Cancer Found To Be Cured Completed With ‘Extremely Common’ Item

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Researchers at Boston Medical Center are planning to release a new study that proves that all cancers – even some of the most rare and previously un-treatable cancers such as brain or lymph node – can be easily cured with one ‘extremely common’ item.

“We have been working on a cure for Cancer for as long as we’ve known about the disease, and we have finally found the answer,” said Dr. Phil Brooks. “Really the cure was right there under our noses, as it were, the entire time.”

Dr. Brooks says that he and his team all developed a severe cocaine habit during the testing phase, as the long nights and early days were making it extremely hard to stay awake and concentrate.

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“It was then we realized, after a night of doing copious amounts of blow, that we had the bright idea to test the drug on our lab rats. Within a month, all of the animals that we had given cancer were cured,” said Dr. Brooks. “We moved on a few months later to trials in adult humans.”

Of the 2,000 people that the doctors test the cocaine theory on, every single one of them had their cancer disappear within a few weeks, or sooner in cases of “common cancers” like skin or colon.

“It’s miraculous, truly,” said Dr. Brooks.

The team plan to publish their full study in the next Journal of Bizarre Medicine. 

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