NEW YORK, New York – 
At a press conference earlier today, NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio announced that he would be banning smoking in public areas, including city streets.
”Let me read you the definition of litter,” said de Blasio. “Litter consists of waste products that have been disposed improperly, without consent, at an inappropriate location. Ladies and gentlemen it is with that definition I am banning cigarette, cigar, and pipe smoking on city streets in all five boroughs. Second hand smoke is litter, make no mistake. If I could declare cigarettes illegal I would but I can take steps to make sure no one on city streets has to see or breathe in their poisonous fumes.”
James Jenson, Philip Morris spokesman commented on the new ban, saying ”I don’t have much to say at this time, we were only just giving a copy of the press release and our legal team is just now looking it over. What I can say is that Philip Morris is this nation’s leading manufacturer of cigarettes, and we go to great lengths putting people’s health before profit. We will continue to make the very best cigarettes and we will continue to fight for a persons right to enjoy a smoke wherever they are.”
”It’s getting ridiculous, first Bloomberg tells us we can’t drink big gulps and now this new idiot is telling me I can’t have a smoke on the street,” said avid smoker Carmine Classi of Brooklyn. “I can’t smoke at work, the wife won’t let me smoke in the house, I’m getting treated like a second class citizen.”
“Smoking kills more people each year than all other illegal drugs combined, and cigarettes are a drug peddled by corporations, for what? For profit, that’s what,” said de Blasio. “They are selling death for profit. As of November 1st, the smoking ban will go into effect in New York. Initially, there will be a fine of $50 dollars for the first offense, and a $100 dollar fine for all offenses after that. All proceeds from the fines will go directly to rebuilding inner city parks and playgrounds.”