WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Last month an American Bald Eagle Pride convention was held in Washington, D.C., which then traveled to every U.S. state on a tour of the country. The event, which was supposed to be a celebration and public display of the nation’s longevity, turned sour in just a few days.
The species, which was previously on the verge of extinction, began to quickly lose morale as they saw the state of the country. By the end of the tour, almost every one of the eagles felt disenchanted with their once beloved homeland. While in captivity, their caretakers reportedly kept them isolated from the outside world by controlling television stations, access to the internet, and even filtering their mail.
One of the oldest eagles commented during a press conference:
“There are no trees. People and animals live in horrible, filthy cities. The air is polluted like hell. Who would want to live here?”
Counseling was provided for each individual Bald Eagle in hopes of stopping the onset of depression. Many reported feelings of shame and anxiety at being icons of such a deteriorated country, and all of them agree that the country has fallen far from its former glory.
“Extinction isn’t looking so bad anymore,” the eagle continued. “Maybe we should have died with America’s dignity.” Other eagles on the tour shared his sentiment.
The U.S. Government plans to implement a specialized intensive therapy group for the country’s mascot, though it may be too late. Some have already done the unthinkable – worse than taking their own life: migrated to Canada, which they hail as having “much higher standards.”