NEW YORK CITY, New York –
Joe Jackson, the extremely abusive father and former manager of The Jackson Five, died today. He was 89. Only last week, he was the “victim” of a death hoax after he was reportedly hospitalized with advance-stage cancer. His family refuted the claims last week, but have now since stated that yeah, the guy is finally, and thankfully, dead.
The Jackson family made a public announcement about the death of the Patriach, stating that “We really aren’t affected by his death,” with at least one family member quoted as saying “good riddance.”
“Honestly, the guy was a royal prick, and everyone knew that,” said one of the Jackson clan, speaking anonymously so as not to “make waves” throughout the family. “Everyone has seen The Jacksons: An American Dream. God knows VH1 has been airing it for decades. He was a cold-blooded bastard who beat the kids regularly, especially Michael. Did he push everyone to become better performers? Maybe, sure. But not the expense of having a life, and of love.”
Joe Jackson will be remembered my some, and forgotten by most. His family says that in lieu of flowers, please send worn leather belts and broken tree branches in remembrance.