In a shocking turn of events, the Vatican released a statement earlier this week admitting that Christianity as a whole, and Catholicism specifically, have been little more than an elaborate prank spanning just over two millennia, and that the new testament was written specifically to further the agenda of the church. When pushed for comment at a press conference yesterday afternoon, Pope Francis had a speech prepared.
“It all started as a way for some of the more fun-loving Jews to rustle the jimmies of some of their overly scholarly classmates. They got together and decided to have this big to-do about the birth of the Messiah. It was a great set up, really. Joseph and Mary had this whole illegitimate pregnancy thing that they needed to explain, so they worked that in there. Eventually, it just got out of hand. There was all this killing and persecution, and by that point it was too late to come clean. I mean, can you imagine? Spending twenty years living a charade, gaining all these die-hard followers, and then telling them it was all just a dirty trick? Jesus would have wound up on the cross a few years sooner, I can tell you that.”
When asked why the church had kept the secret for so long, Pope Francis was quoted as saying, “Well, by the time the original conspirators had all died, it had gotten too big. The church had become this all-powerful amalgamation of religions. The Holy Roman Empire was really kicking ass. Nothing can unite a conquering army like a promise of glory in the afterlife, similar to what we see going on with Islam these days. So, we just kept it up with the pillaging and the burning of heretics and watch the riches roll in.”
In response to an assertion that Islam was a false religion by proxy, The Pope replied, “Oh, no, no. Not at all. They’ve been right the whole time. That whole crusades mess could’ve been avoided if we’d just bowed down to the one true god, Allah. However, at this point; according to some of the texts I’ve read, it was all just a money game. We couldn’t let the will of our true creator get in the way of what had basically become a license to print money. Dollars, Lira, Wampum, it doesn’t matter what you call it, it has always taken precedence over things like morality and spiritual purity. Really, the only thing that the Muslims are wrong about is the pork. There was, shall we say, an incident, involving a pig and an interspecies strain of a venereal infection. So, big surprise, a cover story was born. Pigs are dirty and so on. Other than that, they are spot on, even though they are kind of dicks about it.”
Though quite taken aback, the Empire News Vatican Correspondent was able to pose the final question of the conference by asking why The Pope had chosen now to break his vow to secrecy.
“Well, it’s not nearly as orchestrated as some of you may think. Lord knows the conspiracy theorists will be all over this one, like they were when we shot Kennedy, errr, when Kennedy was shot rather. Not to oversimplify the thing, but if you eat a bologna sandwich everyday for lunch for two months, chances are you’ll be tired of bologna. Now, imagine doing it every day for two thousand years. I’m tired of bologna, I’m tired of lies. I sat down with my confidants yesterday, and we decided that it was time to blow the lid off the thing, just move on. I guess getting older has something to do with it. Gotta get right with Allah. Maybe listen to some Cat Stevens. It’s just time we all went a different route. No further questions please.”
The unexpected press conference has since gone viral, leaving millions of people with questions about their faith. They feel lost, directionless, and confused. They want to know, should they continue with their faith, and go through the motions, knowing that it has all been a lie; or should they convert, and uproot their entire lives? It is a question that they will each have to answer individually. The world watches, waiting for an answer.