Babies Of Tattooed Parents Could Develop Autism, Says Tattooed Couple

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Babies Of Tattooed Parents Could Develop Autism, Says Tattooed Couple

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

A couple from Phoenix, Maryland, is taking their lawsuit to the supreme court, after they say that their tattoo artist failed to warn them that the beautiful markings they’ve been getting for years on their skin could cause their children to develop autism.

In the last few years, anti-vaxxers – parents who refuse to vaccinate their children against infectious disease despite sound medical advice on the off chance their child might develop autism – have made national headlines for their general ignorance, and resounding ability to deny logical medical and scientific advice and research.

This case, though, marks the first time that anyone has been concerned over tattoos being linked to autism, a serious mental and cognitive disorder that affects an estimated 1 in 68 children. Stephen and Melissa Slotth, of Maryland, say that their full-sleeve tattoos could potential cause a rift in their future family.

“We don’t have kids yet, but we want to,” said Melissa, 28. “We are trying to conceive. Well, we were trying, until it was brought to our attention that tattoos could possibly cause our child to be Autistic. That’s something we cannot have happen, and we are suing our tattoo artist, his shop, and the American Medical Association for not making this information public sooner.”

According to Melissa, she read an article once on “some website somewhere,” that said that there is a chance that trauma can cause the baby to be born Autistic.

“I’ve had a ton of trauma in the case of all my tattoos,” said Melissa. “My husband Stephen has, too. We don’t want our baby to be born Autistic. What would we do with it? We’d have to put it in a home and try for a regular one, and that’s just time and money and effort we don’t have.”

“We think we have a good case against our tattoo artist, although we are having trouble finding a lawyer to take the case,” said Stephen, 31. “Still, it is worth fighting this battle over so that the public hears our story and knows that if they want babies that aren’t born with mental problems, they shouldn’t get tattooed.”

“According to, well, pretty much everyone who has ever studied anything relating to Autism, prevention, and causes, the Slotths are, for lack of a better term, completely fucking stupid,” said Dr. Charles Greene of the AMA. “Tattoos aren’t going to cause Autism. For crying out loud, you could literally tattoo your baby as it came out and it wouldn’t be any more likely to develop Autism. Please, people – vaccinate your kids. Get tattoos. Live your life. If you want to have a family, have a family. Stop buying into the Slotths and the Jim Carreys and the Jenny McCarthys of the world, and read a book. Learn. You’ll see – everything will be fine. Hell in a handbasket.”

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