New York Becomes First State to Legalize Heroin

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New York Becomes First State to Legalize Heroin

NEW YORK, New York – 

The state of New York made history this week, following on the heels of the wave of marijuana legalizations across the country. Recreational use of heroin will become fully legal in the state by the end of this year.

The decision was met with controversy, but “no more or less than the original decision to legalize marijuana,” Governor Andrew Cuomo stated. The state is still figuring out some guidelines and ground rules for suppliers, such as purity levels, permits, and health code requirements.

One of the major points in making this decision came from the number of dealers and users of the drug who repeatedly end up in New York’s correctional facilities.

“By legalizing, monitoring, and taxing heroin, we will not only cut down on inmates and care costs, but also open up a whole new job market,” Cuomo explained. “It’s a good situation all around, especially for taxpayers.”

A program is already in its early stages to rehabilitate and compensate imprisoned heroin dealers to return to society and act as the leading distributors, hoping to speed up this process while simultaneously reintroducing inmates to society.

Some of the decision’s most outspoken opponents, however, have been current dealers.

“Making it legal is a terrible idea,” a dealer, who chooses to remain anonymous, told us. “We don’t want it regulated. We make good money how it is now, but regular guys like me won’t be able to keep up with all the government regulations. This is gonna put me out of a job!”

Nonetheless, experts estimate this act will drop the state’s debt by as much as 50% in the first year. This may translate into tax cuts, more public projects, better road maintenance, and possibly even government rehabilitation programs for more dangerous drugs like cigarettes.

Governor Cuomo did not comment on whether or not he is a user himself.

Teen Dehydrates After Mistakenly Taking Bath With Salts

BURLEY, Idaho – Idiot Teen Dehydrates After Mistakenly Taking Bath With Salts

14-year-old Jeremy Dalton was admitted to the Cassia Regional Medical center in Burley last week suffering from extreme dehydration.  What makes this ordinary sounding event extraordinary is the way in which he became dehydrated.

“He wanted to be ‘cool’ like all the kids who were doing bath salts,” said Jeremy’s mother Myra, 32.  “He put a bag of rock salt in the tub and then took a bath. I guess he thought that’s what you were supposed to do. I walked in and found him shriveled up and crying.”

Synthetic drugs, including “bath salts,” are an increasingly growing problem, especially in rural areas around the country.  “Bath Salts” are actually man-made chemicals similar to amphetamines, and are taken either nasally or orally.  They are not connected in any way to regular mineral salts, which are dissolved in bath water and used for relaxation.

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Last year, the state of Idaho released a parents’ guide focusing on the abuse of synthetic drugs, published after state and county health officials noticed a spike in bath salt related emergencies and overdoses.

Drug abuse and addiction specialist Dr. Phyllis Bromley remarked, “Every so often, a new drug craze is introduced and word spreads quickly now with social networks.  We try to keep one step ahead of the drug peddlers but at this point, we can only hope to keep up with them after a number of young people are hurt, or in some cases, killed.”

“I didn’t see that parents’ guide,” said Myra, “but I did tell him not to copy what the other kids were doing.  I blame peer pressure for making him do it.  We all did some stupid things when we were kids, like the 2 years I took up smoking to look cool, or the time I had an orgy with that biker gang, but I never did anything like this. Never drugs. The reason why I wanted to get the word out even though my son is only 14, is to let other parents know that it can happen to them, even if they think it won’t.”

When asked if he would experiment with drugs in the future, Jeremy, through parched lips, mumbled “Never again.”

Jeremy shows no signs of permanent damage, and is expected to make a full recovery after a day or two of observation and intravenous rehydration therapy.

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