MARIETTA, Georgia –
A new test by the makers of the First Response pregnancy test, which promises women that they can find out “6 days sooner” than other leading pregnancy tests, has just launched their new product line, the Male-Response Pregnancy Test, which can actually tell a man if the woman he slept with has gotten pregnant.
“Our new line of tests is the most advanced in the world,” said company spokeswoman Jeanne Curtis. “Normally, a pregnancy test can only tell a woman if she is pregnant within a day or two of a missed period. We know that’s not good enough for the guy who likes to raw-dog it with a one-night stand. So we invented a new test for men. The man just has to urinate onto the stick first thing in the morning following sexual intercourse, and the test will let him know if he did, indeed, ruin his life the previous night.”
According to lab technicians, the new test works in a unique way. They claim that a man who has sex with a woman who he has gotten pregnant picks up some of her hormones through his penis, and they are stored in his urethra. During his morning bathroom stop, those hormones are released onto the stick, and he can tell – probably even before the woman – if she has gotten pregnant.
“When a woman pees on our stick, it has to be a few days after a missed period to actually be accurate,” said Curtis. “Not the case with the Male-Response stick. These new tests will tell a man within 24-hours if he has impregnated a woman, giving him ample time to flee the country, change his name, and disappear.”
The new product is set to launch nationwide in October. No word from the developers if multiple tests would be needed for orgies or swinging parties. In the meantime, men are urged to wear a condom when having sex, or at least pull out and aim for her face.