SEATTLE, Washington –
Starbucks has curiously been under a slew of controversy in recent weeks after releasing holiday-themed cups with no actual theme; the company simply opted to do a solid red cup through the holiday season.
“Honestly, we don’t get what everyone is so mad about,” said Starbucks CEO Jim Starbuck. “I mean, we never had Christmas-themed cups, really. We had snowflakes. We had ornaments. It’s not like we ever put the Christ into Christmas with our cup images, so how the hell these ignorant Christians think we’re taking it out now, I’ll never know.”
Despite the company’s stand on how ignorant most of their customers seem to be, they did decide to release more Jesus-centric cups for the holidays.
“Regardless of the fact that people care what the hell the cup that their shitty, burnt coffee comes in, we have decided that the customer is always right, even when they’re wrong,” said Starbuck. “That’s why we’re putting out these Jesus-y cups, depicting Christ on the cross, a holy-looking Jesus, and Jesus as he appeared in the film The Passion of the Christ – all bloody and beaten. That one is my personal favorite.”
The cups will hit stores immediately, according to Starbucks.
“Maybe now everyone will shut the fuck up and start worrying about something that matters,” said Starbuck.