PROVO, Utah –
University of Christian Science math professor, Adam Gold, claims everyone is. His team has supposedly discovered an algorithm that not only proves everyone is related to Jesus, within 8 degrees of separation, but also shows which ethnic groups are more closely related.
Professor Gold says it’s all very complicated. “The layman just isn’t going to be able to fathom how this all works, so as they say, just have faith. We have factored in genetic data from around the world, including recovered DNA the Vatican paid to collect from the Shroud and other artifacts in their vault. It proves that everyone is related to Jesus. We’ve found Jews to be within one degree of relation, with anglo-saxon Europeans coming in with two to three degrees of separation on average.
Pastor Brice, of Onward Christian Soldiers Non-Denominational Church says this information may solve the crisis in the Middle East, once in for all. “Muslims and other Arab types are brothers! Once they know they are related to Jesus, chances are they will come convert once and for all.”
Radical, Ted Bundman feels this degree of separation from Christ justifies racial prejudice. “It makes the less-related groups, like Muslims and Asians harder to save. Blacks are middle of the road so there might be some hope. There’s no point in even bothering with Muslims and Asians. They’re too far removed from Christ. We got to focus on saving our own kind, especially here in America.