WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Donald Trump has announced that when he is elected president next year, he will finally get rid of the problems that have been plaguing the entire world, and his sights are set on something very close to home: his toupée.
“I understand that my hair looks like a Troll doll, or a cat’s ass, or a hamster trying to escape a cage,” said Trump. “When I am elected next year…when I am elected…I will finally be removing my toupée, and I will be going bald.”
Trump says that he has decided to remove the hairpiece as a movement of solidarity – not only with bald men everywhere, but with the entire nation who has mocked and ridiculed him.
“The whole country has made jokes at my expense, and many of them revolved around my hair,” said Trump. “If I am going to fix this country, then I need to fix the joking, and so that means getting rid of this fake hair. There will never again be Hell Toupée after I’m elected.”