Police Accidentally Fire Laughing Gas at Ferguson, MO Protesters

FERGUSON, Missouri – police use laughing gas

Amidst rising tensions and violence stemming from the police shooting and subsequent death of unarmed African American teenager Michael Brown comes an unintended moment of unplanned and ill-timed levity.

Members of the Ferguson police department used incorrectly labeled canisters of nitrous oxide, more commonly known as ‘laughing gas’ against a crowd of demonstrators assembled for a peaceful protest.

At an evening press conference during the melee, Chief of police Thomas Jackson remarked, “In our haste to assess and control the situation and to clear the immediate and surrounding vicinity, several of our officers utilized the wrong supply of materials.”

Police Accidentally Fire Laughing Gas at Ferguson, MO Protesters

Stifling a bout of laughter, Jackson continued, “They grabbed the … they grabbed the wrong cans!”  After several minutes, Jackson regained his composure and continued.  “Now is the time for law, order, and peace to return to our community.  We ask for everyone’s cooperation.”  Jackson hurriedly exited the press conference to assume command of the police operation, covering his mouth as he left.

Nitrous oxide is a sedative agent and its use is standard practice during dentistry procedures.  Often, feelings of calm and light-headedness result from exposure to the gas, with some individuals expressing giddiness and euphoria.

The August 9th shooting of an allegedly unarmed Michael Brown, 18, by police officer Darren Wilson under still-conflicting circumstances, has ignited a nationwide firestorm and initiated coast-to-coast discussions on issues involving race relations, militarization of local police departments, and questions of reasonable force when subduing and dispersing public gatherings.

Huffington Post reporter Gayle Jacobsen, an early online presence since the outbreak of the conflict struggled through her coverage of events:

This is the most … tragic and surreal … event that I have never … that I have ever been here to … excuse me a minute, my … my eyes are watering … This is the most water… I mean this is … the most excessive use of … the use of farce … no, I mean force … Oh, Jeez … let me start again … this is the most [unintelligible] … tonight’s level of gas is the worst one thing and … all the bystanders who were standing in the … by the … the gathering of the … gathering for the … the … [unintelligible]

Other eyewitnesses have reported seeing several officers dancing atop heavily armored vehicles and indiscriminately firing weapons into the air.

President Obama interrupted his vacation on Martha’s Vineyard to hold an impromptu press conference to comment on the situation and ask for calm, while Missouri Governor Jay Nixon appealed to religious leaders for peace.

Is A “Running Man” TV Show In Our Future?

Empire-News-Is-A-Running-Man-TV-Show-In-Our-Future-Op-EdThe World Cup is underway in one of the most notorious countries in the world for sports based murders, Brazil.  The opening ceremonies were beautiful until they were scarred by riots and tear gas.  People are upset about how much Brazil is paying out to put on the World Cup, and they showed their anger with riots and car tipping.  With that minor hiccup over, the World Cup was well underway.  The first game went off without a hitch and everything was beautiful – and then came the second game.  Tensions were high with the buzzers and spinning-horn things sounding in unison.  Like a firework, the game was off with a bang.

The sportsmanship didn’t last long, however.  Call after call, the referees kept making shaky calls about sides and unsportsmanlike conduct.  The last straw soon came.  The whistle blew, the red card flew, and the stands emptied.  With a quickness the crowds rushed the field only to be met by SWAT teams with batons and shields.  The shields and batons were of little use against the 100,000+ people storming towards them like a giant tidal wave.  Swiftly the crowd swept up the referee.  Just as quickly as they grabbed him, they started cutting. Just as quickly as they started cutting, it was over.  Pieces of referee were flying through the crowd.

In that brief few minutes of horror, no single televised event, scripted or otherwise has ever achieved a ratings spike like that.  The media quickly grabbed that clip and went running mad with it.  Their ratings soon spiked as well.  Sports networks did the same, and again the same happened.  This is when Dough Herzog, President of Viacom Media Networks had an Epiphany.

“I figured with all the hype these clips are getting, and all the hype MMA, WWE, and all the war footage gets, this was the next logical step.”  Herzog said.  “If we can show these atrocities on television, why couldn’t we show it with willing participants?”  He then threw his idea into the water to see if it would get any nibbles.  “SpikeTV, MTV, and FX all wanted a piece of this pie. We decided to settle on SpikeTV – a real man’s-man kind of network. That’s who this new show is going to appeal to the most.”

The show Herzog was talking about was a “Running Man” like game show, where contestants (death row inmates, or inmates that have committed serious crimes) have to work together to solve a series of puzzles, all while being stalked by “The Hunters.”

“The Hunters were my idea.” Herzog gloatingly stated.  “I love the idea of an ominous enemy that is looming around every corner.”  Herzog himself formed a committee to find these “Hunters”.  He acquired a mercenary group from deep in the heart of South Africa who used to hunt poachers, and kill smugglers of diamonds.  “These people are ruthless.  You show them the beheading footage and they just eat breakfast and make jokes about other things.  Totally jaded.”

Unfortunately for the inmates involved, if they win they do not get a full pardon, as portrayed in the Running Man and other similar film rip-offs.  They do however get to live the rest of their days out in lavish luxury in a Camp Cupcake style penitentiary, still maximum security.  “Still, that lifestyle change is worth almost dying, and potentially killing for, after living in the squalor that is the American Prison System.” Herzog said.  “Everyone we have surveyed except a select few believe that this entertainment would be amazing, and totally worth DVR-ing.”

The as-yet-untitled show will air on SpikeTV sometime next year, assuming that Viacom can work out legal details with the prison system and inmates. So far, there does not seem to be any pushback from Merl Johnson, the Chairman of the Federal Board of Prisons, who would be working with Viacom and producers to choose inmates for the show.

It seems that we are on the dawn of a new day, and the new day will be televised murder – with prizes!

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