Doctor Says That ‘Fat Is The New Skinny’

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

For as long as anyone can remember, doctors have said that being skinny was the only way one could be “truly” healthy. According to one doctor out of Boston, though, that’s just not the case.

In a study conducted over the last 5 years, Dr. Carl Bernstain has concluded that the fatter a person is, the more likely they are to live longer and have overall better health.

“It seems counterintuitive to everything medical doctors have always said, but it’s really very simple,” said Dr. Bernstain. “Basically, when someone is tremendously fat, their organs are protected by layers and layers of thick, slippery, fatty cells. These cells keep everything internal running smoothly. Most of my patients over 400lbs have been living decades longer than their previous doctors had told them, all because of my discoveries.”

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Dr. Bernstain says that although being skinny may make it easier for people to do more “active” things, being active isn’t always the most healthy thing, either.

“My patients, they can’t always walk on their own, and they do have to have someone to help them make it to the bathroom or shower properly, but they’ll live long lives, and longevity is the most important thing,” said Dr. Bernstain. “Yes, skinny people can go outside and be active. They may even find attractive mates and live into their 60s, but really, is that what life is all about?”

Dr. Bernstain himself weighs a paltry 196 pounds, but says he does plan to “bulk up” so he can continue to practice medicine for “as long as possible.”

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