Las Vegas mayor Betsy Fretwell announced today that the city, which has a long history with music and nightlife, has decided to ban all electronic dance music, dubstep, house, and any other “annoying sounds” from being played in public. The ban would not just be for people playing it loudly in their cars while driving or in their homes, but it also bans all artists from playing that kind of “music” in any club or casino within the city limits.
“We may be known as Sin City to people around the world,” said Fretwell. “But what we are not is tolerant of bad performances. This city has a history of outstanding music. The strip has been home to everyone from Frank Sinatra and Elton John, to Garth Brooks and Britney Spears. We love all types of music. That said, though, this so-called ‘dubstep’ and ‘EDM’ – these are not musical genres. They are noise, and they are obnoxious. The people of Las Vegas don’t want talentless hacks filling our casinos and nightclubs.”
Fretwell said that the ban would have to be strictly enforced by all private casinos, or they would face fines.
“We are pretty positive that the casinos and clubs of Las Vegas will abide by this new ban. Even if they don’t, it will be so strictly monitored by the people who live in this city, a club would be stupid to book a show. They’ll know that the city will tear them apart like a fat man eating at an all-you-can eat buffet.”
“To be honest, this won’t hurt our business at all.” Said Mark Tidwin, president of the Sands Casino on the strip in Las Vegas. “We very rarely would book crap like that, so it isn’t going to bother us that we can have that Skrilly guy here, or whatever his name is.”
Las Vegas is the first city in the country to outright ban dubstep music, although many other cities have ordinances that only allow it to be played in areas where there are no homes or businesses. Decatur, Alalbama, for example, has a regulation that dubstep “can only be played between the hours of 3pm and 5pm, and must be only played in an area where it cannot be heard by anyone within a 30 mile radius.”
Opponents of the ban were hard to find, as most self-respecting people that were asked would not admit to listening to that type of music. Even one teenager in Las Vegas, who was wearing a t-shirt for Deadmau5, a house music producer, denied listening to that type of music when questioned about the ban.
“I just like the design on this shirt. I got it on clearance at Hot Topic.” Said the teen. “Does anyone actually like that garbage if they’re not on drugs? I mean hell, it’s just a dude pressing buttons on his computer.”
Fretwell says she is glad that the ban was passed with no push-back from the city council.
“It’s a great day. I can go outside, and I can hear the drunks and the slot machines, the old folks and the high-rollers. Thank God, though, I don’t have to hear any wub-wub.”