WASHINGTON, D.C. –
An official statement has been released this morning by the Department of Agriculture, confirming that the United States is in the midst of what could only be called a ‘turkey drought.’
According to the spokesperson, the United States receives the majority of its turkeys manufactured for consumption from various states throughout the Midwest. The spokesperson confirmed that turkeys have been dying by the thousands over the last 4 months from a virus that only affects land birds, and has been appropriately dubbed The Foul Flu.
The flu has been claiming the lives of turkeys since late July 2014, however the epidemic has not been brought to the public’s attention until now because the Department of Agriculture did not want to cause a massive panic before the biggest turkey-eating holidays of the year.
“Look, the bottom line is that if your family typically eats turkey for Thanksgiving you may want to plan on foregoing the classic holiday bird this year,” USDA spokesperson Larry Carmichael said in a statement this morning. “Turkey prices are going to skyrocket as the holiday approaches. We’re going to be looking at prices upwards of 7 times higher than what we are used to, so it won’t be out of question to see Butterball Turkeys going for $100 – $120.”
The Department of Agriculture is warning citizens to be highly cautious if they decide to purchase a turkey this month, as they are concerned some unscrupulous stores may decide to sell counterfeit turkeys.
“If the price appears to be too good to be true, it probably is,” said Carmichael.
In response to this morning’s news surrounding the upcoming turkey shortage, the government has released an official statement asking lower-class citizens to just plan on eating chicken this Thanksgiving.
“We can’t make it mandatory that our citizens within the lower tax brackets eat chicken instead of turkey this year, however the reality of the situation is that a with the supply dwindling, a warm turkey dinner is a luxury that should be reserved for the elite, wealthy, and worthy,” said Carmichael. “We plead with our citizens to leave the purchasing of turkeys to those that can comfortably afford it.”
Experts speculate that the classic Thanksgiving turkey dinner should be able to happen again by 2016, once they have eradicated the disease.