Serial Killer Leaves Saltine Crackers On White-Only Victims; Dubbed ‘Cracka-Killer’

Posted on January 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

The FBI is offering a reward for information leading to identification of the “Cracka-Killer,” who has nine confirmed kills, all of whom were strangled and found with a single saltine cracker placed over each eye. The Cracka-Killer is assumed to be an unmarried black man, age 28-40, who feels “wronged by the white man.” His victims have all been white men and women above age thirty, and were residents of Massachusetts and New York State.

According to John Douglas, a former chief of FBI’s serial crime unit, there are conservatively between 35 and 50 active serial killers on the loose in the US at any given time. Most do not leave such an obvious calling card.

As many tips are expected to flood in, the FBI reminds the public not to call in to report every gang member or man of color buying crackers.

Resident Jay-Rod Brown is offended that they assume it’s a black man. “It’s actually racist to assume the killer is a black man. Maybe he isn’t calling them ‘crackas,’ maybe his momma didn’t give him enough soup as a child. You never know what’s in a psycho’s mind. Or it’s some old cracka who wants to put the suspicion on someone else. That’s my theory.”

Local Fisherman Catches Dead Body In River, Arrested For Throwing It Back

Posted on September 14, 2014 by JP

ST. PETERSBURG, Florida –

A local St. Petersburg man is behind bars today after a bizarre event occurred while fishing. Tim Pope, age 64, was arrested late Sunday evening by police officers for tampering with a crime scene. Pope was fishing in a Florida river early Sunday morning, which his wife says he has been doing every Sunday for the past 20 years.

“Ever since we moved to Florida 20 years ago, he would go to that river and fish every Sunday,” said Mrs. Pope. “If some people go to Church or watch football as their religion of choice, then Tim’s religions is fishing.”

While out early this morning, Pope inadvertently hooked a human corpse – something that any die-hard fisherman can tell you is not as nice as hooking a huge bass. Like any good fisherman, though, when realizing that what he had pulled to shore was of a sub-par nature, he threw the body back in the water.

“I haven’t gotten to speak to him to much, but he told me he didn’t know what to do with the body. At first, pulling it in, he thought he had caught the biggest fish of his life. When he discovered it wasn’t a fish at all, he just unhooked it and tossed it back. [Tim] doesn’t own a cell phone, so a few hours later when he finally was finished and arrived home, he told me the story and I had him call the police. Stupid me, because their first stop after the call was to our house to arrest him for tampering with the body!” said Mrs. Pope.

Tim Pope is still currently in lockup in St. Petersburg, after refusing to take any money out of his retirement savings to post bail. If he’s convicted of a crime, he could be facing several years behind bars. The arresting officers have refused to make a statement, but the station has reportedly been receiving a lot of angry calls from local town residents.

“I don’t care what anyone says about it,” said Pope during his initial police interview. “It’s not a big deal. I didn’t kill the guy, I just pulled him in. What was I supposed to do? It’s not like he was going to fit in my cooler. Would you have arrested me if I’d caught a tire in my line and threw that back? Littering is a crime too, you know!”

“Tim is friends with a lot of people in our neighborhood, and I know that along with myself, people have been calling the police station night and day expressing how they feel. My husband doesn’t deserve to be jailed for this; it was a fisherman’s instinct to throw the body back in the river,” said Mrs. Pope.

Police have continued to search for the body over several miles of river, but so far have come up empty-handed. Reports indicate that police are actually using Pope’s confiscated fishing rod and lures in attempt to hook the body for a second time.

Classic Sitcom Talking Horse ‘Mr. Ed’ Disappears From Taxidermy Museum

Posted on August 19, 2014 by DvanL

HOLLYWOOD, California –

The verse A horse is a horse, of course, of course… brings back memories for millions of fans of the classic television comedy Mr. Ed, which aired its last episode in 1966, after a six-season run. The series stretched the imaginations of viewers to the limit by featuring a talking horse in the title role.

It may have been one of those uber-fans who recently had a hand in stealing Mr. Ed, as well. The corpse of the horse was allegedly stolen from “Hey! I’m Stuffed,” a museum dedicated to preserving famous memorabilia associated with famous and much-loved Hollywood animal performers.

Mr. Ed, whose actual name was Bamboo Harvester, was euthanized in 1970 at the age of 19. Soon after, Ed’s trainer, Les Hilton, employed the services of Bud Friscoe, “Taxidermist To The Stars,” to prepare the horse for display.

Museum Curator Margaret Winborne acquired Ed in 1976 and was met with an empty corner of her gallery when she opened for business last Monday. “I didn’t notice right away because I was going on about my business like always,” said the stylish 70-year-old Winborne. “I’ve operated the museum since 1969 and I screamed out loud right there in my tracks.”

Sgt. Adam Rendell led the investigation into the case of the missing horse. “This is the strangest act of burglary that I’ve ever seen,” he stated. “It’s not like anyone could just ride him out of here.”

Winborne has no idea who could have taken the horse, as no sign of forced entry was visible. “It’s just me, my husband, and our son who have a key, and they locked up last Saturday night and everything was normal,” she said. “There was a little money in the donation basket right there next to Gidget, the Taco Bell dog, and that wasn’t stolen, so we’re at a complete loss. I got a lock of Trigger’s tail in a glass case right out in the open, and nobody wanted to touch that.” Trigger was the famous horse owned by beloved singing cowboy stars Roy Rogers, and his wife, Dale Evans. “Why anyone would steal a horse on a Sunday is beyond me,” said Winborne.

Fans from around the world have expressed sadness and shock. Twitter user ColeMason tweeted: sad to hear the news #LongLiveMr.Ed #MrEdForever #EternalHorse.

Franklin Baranski, Facebook user and self-described Mr. Ed “superfan” posted a heartfelt message expressing the feelings of many who have offered their messages of support to Winborne and the “Hey! I’m Stuffed” staff.

"News of this horrible, horrible crime has broken my spirit and almost made me lose total faith in humans.  Why someone should steal and desecrate the precious memory of a great Hollywood animal star such as Mr. Ed I will never be able to understand.  Mr. Ed brought joy to millions, and his loss the first time around was hard enough. This loss is even more heartbreaking. We will pray for his safe return to the Hey, I'm Stuffed! gallery."

Sgt. Rendell suggested that Mrs. Winborne check local garage sales and antique houses. “Other than that,” he said, “we’ve asked anyone with information contact us. We still have to decide on a steady course of action for this one.”