Woman Arrested After Burning Down Her Own House In Attempt To Meet ‘Sexy Firemen’

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womanBOISE, Idaho – 

A Boise woman, Doris Murphy, 48, was arrested late Friday evening for arson after she allegedly burned down her own home in an attempt to meet ‘sexy firemen.’

“I just wanted to get me a little some, and I am damn sick of the same old haggard bastards who sit down at the bar,” said Murphy. “I seen me a bunch of sexy firemen in calendars, and I figure there had to be at least one or two who worked here in Boise. I didn’t think the house was going to go up that fast.”

According to Murphy, she just planned on setting a “small fire” so that she could call 911 and have local fire & rescue show up.

“I put a can of gasoline in the bathtub, and I torched it. Figured it was in the tub, it would be easy to just turn the shower on myself to stop it if I needed to,” said Murphy. “Turns out, that doesn’t work so good.”

Murphy’s home was completely destroyed in the blaze, and Murphy herself is facing up to 5 years in prison for the stunt.

“Most annoying thing is that there weren’t no good looking guys that came to put out the fire,” said Murphy. “It was just a couple of the same old guys who are always at the bar, and a beefy lesbian. Hell, there weren’t even no Dalmatian dog that came like in the TV shows.”

Family Loses House After Christmas Lights Cause Massive Fire

BUXTON, Maine – 

A family in Maine who decorated their house far, far too early for Christmas have reportedly lost everything after the lights they placed around their house caught fire, destroying the home in a massive blaze.

The Miller family of 35 Willow Lane in Buxton, Maine, say that every year at this time they decorate their house for the upcoming holiday season.

“Not for Halloween, though, that’s the Devil’s holiday,” said Mary Buxton, 42. “We skip the entire concept of Halloween and go right to Christmas. The beautiful lights, the colors, the fake snow. We love it. We always decorate for Christmas at the end of October.”

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According to police, though, this year the Millers’ received a stroke of bad luck, after a string of Christmas lights the family hung outside blew, the sparks causing a fire that destroyed the home.

“Thankfully, no one was injured in the horrific blaze,” said fire chief Mike Pooler. “I will say, though, that this should be a lesson to everyone to not rush into the Christmas spirit. If you are decorating for Christmas now, I am of the opinion your house deserves to burn to the ground. I mean, I tried to save the home, but in the back of my mind I was thinking ‘Burn, you house of Christmas! Burn!'”

The Miller family says they are starting a GoFundMe page to try and raise money to replace the Christmas presents that were already inside the home under their stupid fake tree.

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