Inventor Creates Car That Runs On Whole Milk

BURTON, Germany –

A german inventor has created a car with an engine that is capable of running on whole milk. David Mylehoff, 44, says that he created the car out of necessity, as gas prices have soared throughout Germany, while milk prices have remained low.

“Most people, they say it’s silly to have a car run on milk,” said Mylehoff. “In the United States, where gas and milk are mostly the same price, milk might be slightly higher even, sure – it’s silly. Here in Germany and in many other countries, milk is plentiful and gas is not. We are paying a high premium for our petrol.”

Mylehoff says that the process in which the car is able to power itself via milk is a secret one, but is something he hopes to patent to be able to then license to major car companies.

“Can you imagine if all cars could, theoretically, run on milk? It would be a marvel of the modern age,” said Mylehoff. “My hope is to be able to license my invention to people like Volkswagen, so they can create new cars of the future – the future of the dairy-driven automobile.”

So far, Volkswagen says they have not been pitched the milk engine, but would be open to the idea of a possible license.

“We definitely like innovation,” said VW spokesman Gerry Dresden. “We would be more than happy to meet with Mr. Mylehoff and hear about his great, new invention.”

Mylehoff says that he hopes that he can next figure a way to make a vehicle run on water, so that the world becomes less-reliant on oil. In the mean time, he is working closely with dairy farmers throughout Europe, the United States, and Canada, to fulfill what he anticipates will be a “heavy need” for milk in the near future.

SAN FRANSISCO, California –

The creator of the Snuggie, the most well-known ‘blanket with sleeves’ on the market today, was found dead Monday afternoon from presumed suffocation in his sleep. Scott Boilens’ body was discovered by a member of his cleaning staff at his home in San Francisco.

The staff member claims she went to do a simple sweep and dusting of the room, and when she began to make the bed she had realized there was a body still wrapped within the blankets.

“I just thought it was a pile of them ugly Snuggie things, you know?” said Carlotta Valdez, the cleaning lady who discovered Boilens’ body. “There are normally tons of those things piled all over the place. Leftovers, I guess, since ain’t nobody buying that cheap sleeve-blanket crap no more.”

When police arrived on the scene they declared Boilen dead, apparently strangled by the sleeve of a nearby Snuggie. The one that Boilen was wearing was in perfect, albeit stupid, condition. An autopsy report is still pending.

“In my many years of police work, I have seen a few people suffocate in their sleep, but most of the time it is due to vomiting after a night of binge drinking or excessive drug use. This one is new to us, and just a tad ironic, I suppose,” said police captain Joe Goldsmith.

Along with being the inventor the famous ‘blanket with sleeves’, Boilen was also the CEO of the company Allstar Products, and had a reported net worth of $200 million dollars, most of which was tied up in Snuggie merchandise and memorabilia.

Allstar Products was quick to point out in a statement that the Snuggies are extremely safe, and that this is the first instance where someone had been injured due to their product, with the exception of any person who has worn it in public, to which case they assume that the person’s self-esteem was severely damaged. They of course expressed their sympathies to the Boilen family.

“We know that the Snuggie was a hot item at one point a few years ago, right after it ripped off the Slanket and went to market. Now, as the winter months come upon us, more and more people might dig out their Snuggies from whatever rock they no doubt threw them under, and try to stay warm and enjoy some Netflix,” said Goldsmith.

“I have to admit myself that they are very cozy, even if they are the kitschiest thing I’ve ever seen next to the Pet Rock. That being said, you need to be careful when wearing any long, loose-fitting items when going to bed – and that includes kimonos, karate gis, or Ghostface Halloween costumes,” continued Goldsmith. “Ironically, if Mr. Boilen had chosen a loose blanket with no sleeves, he would probably still be alive today. Cold, I’m sure, but alive.”