Snuggie Inventor Dies After Being Suffocated By Product That Made Him Millions

SAN FRANSISCO, California – Snuggie Inventor Dies After Being Suffocated By Product That Made Him Millions

The creator of the Snuggie, the most well-known ‘blanket with sleeves’ on the market today, was found dead Monday afternoon from presumed suffocation in his sleep. Scott Boilens’ body was discovered by a member of his cleaning staff at his home in San Francisco.

The staff member claims she went to do a simple sweep and dusting of the room, and when she began to make the bed she had realized there was a body still wrapped within the blankets.

“I just thought it was a pile of them ugly Snuggie things, you know?” said Carlotta Valdez, the cleaning lady who discovered Boilens’ body. “There are normally tons of those things piled all over the place. Leftovers, I guess, since ain’t nobody buying that cheap sleeve-blanket crap no more.”

When police arrived on the scene they declared Boilen dead, apparently strangled by the sleeve of a nearby Snuggie. The one that Boilen was wearing was in perfect, albeit stupid, condition. An autopsy report is still pending.

“In my many years of police work, I have seen a few people suffocate in their sleep, but most of the time it is due to vomiting after a night of binge drinking or excessive drug use. This one is new to us, and just a tad ironic, I suppose,” said police captain Joe Goldsmith.

Along with being the inventor the famous ‘blanket with sleeves’, Boilen was also the CEO of the company Allstar Products, and had a reported net worth of $200 million dollars, most of which was tied up in Snuggie merchandise and memorabilia.

Allstar Products was quick to point out in a statement that the Snuggies are extremely safe, and that this is the first instance where someone had been injured due to their product, with the exception of any person who has worn it in public, to which case they assume that the person’s self-esteem was severely damaged. They of course expressed their sympathies to the Boilen family.

“We know that the Snuggie was a hot item at one point a few years ago, right after it ripped off the Slanket and went to market. Now, as the winter months come upon us, more and more people might dig out their Snuggies from whatever rock they no doubt threw them under, and try to stay warm and enjoy some Netflix,” said Goldsmith.

“I have to admit myself that they are very cozy, even if they are the kitschiest thing I’ve ever seen next to the Pet Rock. That being said, you need to be careful when wearing any long, loose-fitting items when going to bed – and that includes kimonos, karate gis, or Ghostface Halloween costumes,” continued Goldsmith. “Ironically, if Mr. Boilen had chosen a loose blanket with no sleeves, he would probably still be alive today. Cold, I’m sure, but alive.”


Actress Betty White, 99, Dyes Peacefully In Her Los Angeles Home

LOS ANGELES, California – Actress Betty White, 92, Dyes Peacefully In Her Los Angeles Home

In a press release from her long-time manager Jeff Witjas, it has been confirmed today that actress Betty White, best known for her roles on TVs The Mary Tyler Moore Show, The Golden Girls, and Hot in Cleveland, is not a natural blonde.

“Betty is a solitary kind of person,” said Witjas. “She likes to relax in her home with her animals, and she rarely likes to discuss the fact, at least in public, that she is actually a brunette. She has been dyeing her own hair in her home for decades. Betty has often told me she feels it is relaxing and soothing to dye her own hair, peacefully in her home, where she can laugh and enjoy time with her animals. She’s said on more than one occasion that as a blonde, she has had ‘more fun’ in her roles, and in life.”

“Oh, I started dyeing it ages ago when my color started to fade away to a more whiteish, greyish color,” says White. “I thought to myself, ‘Well Betty, if you can’t have the dark color anymore, might as well try on the blonde for a while,’ and it just kind of stuck. When I played Rose on Girls, the joke about my natural hair color made it into several episodes. I’ve always had a sense of humor about it.”

Early pictures of White with her husband of almost 20 years, Allen Ludden, who died in 1981 of stomach cancer, show White as a sultry brunette with a perfect smile.

Betty White with her late husband Allen Ludden, 1968

“Oh Allen loved my dark hair, but later on, as I started to go grey and my hair lightened, he liked the blonde, too. It would be too much work to go back to that dark hair I used to have. Too much to maintain. Besides, I think a new look like that at my age might frighten my animals. They wouldn’t even recognize me!”

White’s acting roles have slowed down in recent years, but she can most recently been seen (or heard) in 2019’s Toy Story 4, and appeared in several episodes of the series Fireside Chat With Esther. 

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