Father Marries His Twin Daughters In First Incestuous Polygamous Relationship

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PROVO, Utah –

John Jacob Schmidt, 50, was recently wed to his two twin daughters, Marna and Mary, 22, in what has become the nation’s first incestuous polygamous marriage, say Utah state officials.

Utah is known for its heavy population of Mormons, who believe and practice in polygamy, which is taking multiple wives. Although not legal, many small towns in Utah allow for the practice, although in the case of Schmidt, he was taking his relationships to the next level.

“I have never in my life loved anyone more than I love my daughters,” said Schmidt, beaming proudly in his finest overalls and tie. “Even my first 8 wives were not as important to me as my daughters. After all of my wives died, the only family I have left are Marna and Mary, and they want this just as much as I do.”

“I love my daddy, and I would do anything to make him happy,” said Mary. “Marna and I, we have been sharing our daddy’s bed since as far back as we can remember, and we’ve always felt nothing but the deepest, hardest love from our father. This is a dream come true.”

“I think that every girl dreams of marrying a man just like their daddy, and this is just taking that to the next logical step, and doing just that,” said Marna. “Mary and I want this. Our Daddy wants this. It’s an amazing feeling to know that you’re going to spend the rest of your life with the man you love.”

U.S. Health Department Says Starbucks Coffee More Addicting Than Crack

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah – U.S. Health Department Says Starbucks Coffee More Addicting Than Crack

A recent study conducted by the US Health Department shows Starbucks coffee is more addicting than crack cocaine.

Derek Whistleton, a U.S. Health Department representative, sat down for an interview with the local D.C. newspaper Presidential Times, where he said that the Health Department gathered data for the study over the course of 26 months. “We really wanted to ensure we took the time to gather adequate and conclusive data, this was no fly-by-night operation.”

When asked what data was gathered and studied over the 26 month period, Whistleton replied “It’s simple, it can all be tracked by units consumed, and industry profits.”

“We used Salt Lake City, Utah as our test demographic and gathered all information used in the study from the patterns of Starbucks coffee and crack cocaine use by the citizens of Salt Lake City.”

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When asked why they decided to base their entire study regarding the addictiveness of crack compared to coffee in a seemingly mild-mannered city such as Salt Lake City Whistler replied, “We wanted to ensure we had a completely random sample demographic so we decided to pick a city out of hat and drew Salt Lake City, Utah”

According to the study, the citizens of Salt Lake City consumed Starbucks coffee 99.99% more frequently than crack. “We were amazed at the results of our findings. The addictiveness of crack didn’t even hold a candle to that of Starbucks.”

According to the Salt Lake City Police Department’s records, crack is turning an estimated profit of $600,000 per year. Starbucks however is a billion dollar industry in Salt Lake City.

“Thousands of Salt Lake City housewives are spending upwards of $1300 a month on Starbucks coffee, and people just are not spending that much money on crack, period, case closed,” said Whistler. “We are actually wondering if it’s possible that Starbucks is actually putting a highly addictive substance, like crack, into their coffee in the first place. I mean, people aren’t drinking Starbucks coffee because it tastes good, that’s for sure. It was also explain the exorbitant prices they charge.”

The surprising part of this study, according to Whistler, was that Starbucks addiction is universal amongst all social classes. “We even asked a homeless man in downtown Salt Lake City if he wanted some crack and he grinned, raised his Starbucks cup in the air, and said ‘I’ve got my crack right here.’”

 

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