Upstart Company Designs Vaporizer For Use With Smoking Crack Cocaine

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

A new company based out of New York City claims they have invented a modified version of a vaporizer machine, used mostly by hipsters and often referred to as ‘vaping,’ for using in smoking crack cocaine. The machines, which currently use a liquid ‘juice’ that contain only some of the ingredients found in cigarettes, are often allowed where cigarettes are not, as they don’t contain the same types of harmful chemicals when exhaled.

“We invented a machine that would allow crack smokers to get their fix more openly, and with a more smooth feeling,” said CrackRockers CEO Joe Goldsmith. “We are all heavy vapers, and that honestly lead to some other drugs for us. I only ever smoked cigarettes. Then I got into e-cigs. Then vaping. And then eventually weed, and from there, it was all downhill.”

After an arrest in 2013 for smoking crack in a public place, Goldsmith says he “got his shit together,” and started CrackRockers.

“I took one of my old vaping machines, and I modified it heavily to be able to accept crack rocks,” said Goldsmith. “It took me over a year to get a machine that worked, but we ended up with was a vape that allowed crack smokers to enjoy all the highs that crack offers, but without tasting like you’re smoking plastic out of a homeless man’s unwashed asshole.”

Goldsmith says that he is currently working to patent the product, and that he hopes, with less-strict regulation on drugs in many states, to have the item available to the public within the next year.

Foster Parents ‘Rent Out’ Child In Exchange For Crack

Foster Parents 'Rent Out' Child In Exchange For Crack

BALTIMORE, Maryland – 

Think you had bad parents? Reggie and Amanda Knowlton have been charged with criminal neglect and child endangerment after allegedly “renting” there foster child, whose name has not been released, to settle drug debt.

Although neither party has commented, the pair allegedly alerted police when their daughter had been missing for five days.  Police became suspicious of their involvement in the kidnapping when the couple admitted the girl had gone with her “uncle Larry” for a visit, days before, and that it had taken this long for them to file a missing persons report.

The twelve year old girl was recovered from Larry Cosley’s van, when local police happened upon his vehicle in an abandoned lot. Officer Brown says the girl is receiving medical care for the alleged rape. “She’s still in shock. Cosley did not admit to any crimes involving the girl, but when crack cocaine was discovered, he did admit to holding the girl as collateral until he was paid.”

Text messages tell a different story.  The Knowltons appear to have agreed to trade her for one night to settle past debt. They then agreed to let her stay another night if she would be returned the next day with “an eight ball” of cocaine.

U.S. Health Department Says Starbucks Coffee More Addicting Than Crack

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah – U.S. Health Department Says Starbucks Coffee More Addicting Than Crack

A recent study conducted by the US Health Department shows Starbucks coffee is more addicting than crack cocaine.

Derek Whistleton, a U.S. Health Department representative, sat down for an interview with the local D.C. newspaper Presidential Times, where he said that the Health Department gathered data for the study over the course of 26 months. “We really wanted to ensure we took the time to gather adequate and conclusive data, this was no fly-by-night operation.”

When asked what data was gathered and studied over the 26 month period, Whistleton replied “It’s simple, it can all be tracked by units consumed, and industry profits.”

“We used Salt Lake City, Utah as our test demographic and gathered all information used in the study from the patterns of Starbucks coffee and crack cocaine use by the citizens of Salt Lake City.”

When asked why they decided to base their entire study regarding the addictiveness of crack compared to coffee in a seemingly mild-mannered city such as Salt Lake City Whistler replied, “We wanted to ensure we had a completely random sample demographic so we decided to pick a city out of hat and drew Salt Lake City, Utah”

According to the study, the citizens of Salt Lake City consumed Starbucks coffee 99.99% more frequently than crack. “We were amazed at the results of our findings. The addictiveness of crack didn’t even hold a candle to that of Starbucks.”

According to the Salt Lake City Police Department’s records, crack is turning an estimated profit of $600,000 per year. Starbucks however is a billion dollar industry in Salt Lake City.

“Thousands of Salt Lake City housewives are spending upwards of $1300 a month on Starbucks coffee, and people just are not spending that much money on crack, period, case closed,” said Whistler. “We are actually wondering if it’s possible that Starbucks is actually putting a highly addictive substance, like crack, into their coffee in the first place. I mean, people aren’t drinking Starbucks coffee because it tastes good, that’s for sure. It was also explain the exorbitant prices they charge.”

The surprising part of this study, according to Whistler, was that Starbucks addiction is universal amongst all social classes. “We even asked a homeless man in downtown Salt Lake City if he wanted some crack and he grinned, raised his Starbucks cup in the air, and said ‘I’ve got my crack right here.’”


Six-Year Old Steps On Crack, Breaks Mother’s Back

SALINA, Kansas – Six-Year Old Steps On Crack, Breaks Mother’s Back

First-grader Timothy Barton enjoys things that typical youngsters enjoy — playing with action figures, spending time with his older brother Tucker, and running around the house.  When asked to name his favorite food, he enthusiastically replies “pizza!”

“He loves jumping,” says the six-year-old’s mother, Judy.  He jumps on everything.”  Barton, the mother of two young sons, is now confined to a hospital bed, recuperating from a spinal fracture suffered as a result of Timothy’s high-spiritedness.  “He’s very energetic.”

Judy was practicing yoga when Timothy, just up from an afternoon nap, dashed from his bedroom to the kitchen for a snack.  “I was on the living room floor and he ran right over my butt, and I heard a ‘pop.’  I knew something was wrong.  I crawled to the phone and called 911.”

While Timothy was enjoying his snack, unaware that he had seriously injured his mother, EMT crews worked to stabilize Judy, who complained of dizziness and numbness in her legs and feet.

“She was going into shock,” said Midge Wood, emergency responder first to arrive on the scene.  “I kept telling her to breathe. I kept telling her to stay alert. She did pretty well, considering.”

Fortunately for Judy, doctors say her back injury will not result in permanent damage.

“She got lucky,” said Dr. Heather Hammond, of the Salina Regional Health Center.  “We took a series of x-rays, and did an MRI scan which revealed no permanent damage.  She dislocated the LI vertebra in her lower back.  There may be some temporary nerve damage and she’s going to need rest, and then physical therapy, but we’re confident she’ll be back on her feet very soon.”

Barton’s architect husband, Scott, rushed to his wife’s bedside upon hearing the news.  “Judy called me and told me she was at the hospital and immediately I thought Timmy or our other son Tucker had hurt himself or banged his head or something.  I didn’t expect this.  He’s at that age you know, where he bangs into everything, he jumps off the bed pretending to be Superman, knocks things over – you know how kids are.”

“Mommy’s going to be in the hospital,” said Timothy.  “Daddy’s going to stay home to take care of me and Tucker so Mommy can get better again and come home later.  I got sad when she had to go to the hospital.”

“It’s just one of those things,” said Judy, as Timothy and brother Tucker jumped on the empty bed on the opposite side of the room.  I’m pretty tough and I’ll bounce back from this like everything else,” she added.  “Timmy-boy feels pretty bad, but I told him Mommy’s going to be all right, it was just an accident.  The staff here has been super.  They brought Timmy some pizza and gave the boys some hospital gowns and masks to wear, so we’ll be all right.”

‘Super Crack’: Ex-CIA Agent Reveals Government Plan To Release New Drug Into Inner-Cities

WASHINGTON, D.C. –  'Super Crack'- Ex-CIA Agent Reveals Government Plan To Release New Drug Into Inner-Cities

Earlier this week, a defector from the CIA released thousands of documents regarding the Agency’s involvement in drug-smuggling, extortion, and murder. There are ledgers, account numbers, signed directives, and all manner of incriminating evidence irrevocably linking CIA agents to hundreds of major felonies; but that’s not the worst part. The defector, one William Kingsley, has released the outline of a new plot to release an even more powerful drug into our nations cities.

There have long been conspiracy theories regarding the introduction of crack cocaine into American inner-cities by the Central Intelligence Agency. The ‘tin-foil hat’ crowd has always been convinced that Contras and independent contractors flew cocaine-laden planes into the airport at Mena, Arkansas, under the supervision of Colonel Oliver North; and with the cooperation of then-Governor of Arkansas, Bill Clinton. According to stories and reports by ghosts and dead men, the cocaine was then sold to finance black operations undertaken by the CIA. Coups were staged with drug profits, revolutions were initiated with blood money. It was a dirty, risky business, and many lives were lost or ruined in the process. At least, that’s what the Infowars set would have you believe. Most logical people dismissed the whole thing as the delusions of madmen; at least that is, until now.

Agent Kingsley, a West Point graduate and former intelligence officer, spent thirty years building a career as a high-level analyst in the Central Intelligence Agency, and no one is sure exactly why he chose to leave it all behind. The CIA is working hard to dismiss and discredit Kingsley as an extremist, but extremist or no, there is no disputing the credibility of the information he has released thus far. In his latest release of information via prepared statement, posted on various social networks and forums, Kingsley outlined the plan to release the new drug.

“The CIA has developed a new drug which gives the euphoric rush of cocaine, has the addictive qualities of heroin, with little risk of overdose. It is easily and cheaply produced, but requires listed chemicals and complex laboratory equipment. The goal was to keep costs down while making the drug nearly impossible to manufacture on the streets. After months of formulations, they hit the nail on the head. The Agency has not given the drug an official name, but for the time being, it is being referred to as ‘super crack’. The drug will be produced in several forms, to target the various types of users.”

The formula released by Kingsley has been tested by independent chemists and confirmed to be highly narcotic, and dangerously addictive. Dr Leo Marvin, a highly respected research pharmacist and organic chemist examined the formula and was shocked by its potency.

“This compound replicates dopamine and oxytocin at a rate that would nearly overwhelm the brain’s receptors. To return to baseline levels of those neurotransmitters after such an experience would no doubt render a person nearly suicidally depressed. A person addicted to a drug like this would be willing to pay any cost necessary to keep it in their system. The profit margin would be nearly unlimited,” Dr Marvin said, after his study of the compound.

Agent Kingsley asserts that the CIA plans to use the drug not only as a form of revenue, but also as a method of producing subservient and mindless zombies who can be controlled by manipulation of their addiction. He has provided pages of notes regarding the development of the drug and its possible uses.

“Imagine an army that doesn’t care about death or morality. That’s what the Agency wants. They are going to use this drug as a multiplier or a lever. A hit-man will kill a man for ten thousand dollars. A junkie will do it for a fix. For ten thousand dollars, they can make thousands of fixes. You do the math.”

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