CUPERTINO, California –
A group of hackers that call themselves The Knights of Freedom have reportedly hacked into Apple’s iTunes database and stolen vital information about user purchases. The KoF say they plan on releasing the names, addresses, and emails of iTunes users who have purchased songs by the band Nickleback.
“These individuals have, indeed, been able to breach our secure systems to find the information they needed,” said Apple security manager Joe Dante. “They were not able to access any payment or credit card info, but we have learned that they did steal the names of those users who have a habit of buying or listening to Nickelback music. We apologize profusely for allowing this breach to occur, and we are praying for our users that these hackers never release their names.”
The KoF reportedly left a message on popular website Reddit, claiming responsibility.
“We know who you are, Nickelback fans. We have your names. We know your addresses. We will not be stopped. Confess your sins now, release the deep burden you carry inside. Tell your friends and your family what kind of monster you are. Let them know now, before we release this list publicly.”
“This is an outrage. Truly the worst thing to happen to me throughout my entire life,” said an anonymous iTunes user posting online as DemonJohn. “My wife, my kids…my damn parents. This is going to destroy my life worse than when my name was included in the Ashley Madison hack list.”
Apple reports that they have increased their systems to provide better security for users who purchase and listen to tasteless, generic music. Sources inside the company say that fans of other sub-par artists and internet punchlines, including Lil’ Wayne, Skrillex, and Kanye West, are still safe from ridicule and shame.