BOSTON, Massachusetts –
Researchers at Harvard University released a startling report over the weekend linking hot dogs to bouts of impotence.
The mega-popular snack, commonly consumed during televised sporting events, BBQs, parties, and all night video game binges, are linked in the report to massive libido disfunction in – curiously – cows, as well as men, who consume the processed meat four times a week or more.
Research for this discovery commenced after mature Guernsey bulls living on the University’s dairy inadvertently consumed two hundred pounds of hot dogs set aside for the school farm’s hogs.
Doctor Adrian Blondell, an endocrinologist overseeing artificial insemination operations, knew something was wrong when the big fellas didn’t deliver. The collection process which normally drives young bulls crazy made them eventually sit down on the job out of presumed boredom.
“It was absolutely bizarre, dozens of healthy bulls acting like they had been snipped,” Blondell reported.
Alarmed and amazed by the phenomenon, Dr. Blondell ordered immediate analysis of the bulls manure and head-to-tail physicals. All tests indicated a massive drop in testosterone production.
“Anybody that has ever eaten more than a few hot dogs easily recognizes the slimy taste left behind in their mouths,” said Dr. Blondell. “I have theorized that men frequently consume the most hot dogs, so I set out to prove that it was causing issues for them, too.”
Blondell’s fully study will be published in an upcoming journal, but she does recommend that people stop eating hot dogs if they plan on living full, rich, sexual lives.