LOS ANGELES, California –
After being snubbed for an Oscar nomination for her acclaimed appearance in indie film Cake, Jennifer Aniston has reportedly made the shocking decision to retire from acting. The former Friends star was slated for the award after her performance received terrific reviews, and nominations from every other major voting body in Hollywood.
“I’ve worked hard to finally achieve success as a serious actor,” the distraught 45-year-old said in a statement to the public. “Now that my strongest showing has been disregarded along with the rest of the dross, I no longer have the motivation.”
When asked what she planned on doing with her time, she revealed that she already had a job lined up as a waitress in a New York coffee shop.
“I have a bunch of quirky pals who already hang out there,” she said, with a hint of nostalgia in her voice. “They’re also unsuccessful actors – well, except for a stint in the 90s – but their lives are a mix of fun, jokes, and comedic confusion. That’s exactly where I envision myself finding happiness.”
The Society for Patrons of the Plat (SPoP), the self-appointed organization for the protection of waiter rights, have raised their ire at Aniston’s assumption that she can adequately fulfill the difficult post of a waitress.
“These pompous rich folk think that anyone could be a waitron,” said SPoP spokesperson, Jeremy Hendler, insisting pretentiously on using the politically correct, gender neutral term. “Well Jen is in for an unpleasant surprise. Her pretty little ass will struggle with the tedious work in a coffee shop. And if she thinks she can sit around and speak to her friends all day, she’s not gonna like the consequences.”
The manager of the coffee shop, known simply as Gunther, has however stood up for Aniston, saying that he knows her to be a hard worker.
“She’s been hanging around here for a while,” said the light-blond sad sack. “I can tell that she has all the qualities it takes to succeed in the industry. Customers will love her, even if she is a clumsy, emotional mess with a set of weirdly elitist friends at her beck and call.”
Late this morning, Aniston tweeted a defense of her capabilities in the service industry, stating, “I spent years serving the public with little appreciation. I can deal with shitty customers who are probably just extras failing at being actors anyway.”