In a landmark case, the Oregon Supreme Court today decided in favor of Mandy Matthews, an 18-year-old high school cheerleader who sued for the right for an assisted suicide after being dumped by her long-term boyfriend. The court ruled that Oregon’s terminally ill clause was discriminative, and that any adult should have the right to choose when to die, not just the terminally ill.
”This is the happiest I’ve been since Billy dumped me to go out with the stupid slut Becky Beyer,” said Matthews. “I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m happy about winning the lawsuit, but my life is still over and not worth living without Billy. I was going to do it right away, you know kill myself, but we have a big game coming up this weekend and I’m the top of the pyramid so I don’t want to let the squad down. So me and my BFF Jill were texting during the court hearings, and we came up with December 2nd as the time for the suicide. That gives us time to plan a going away party for me, and as a plus it’s Billy’s birthday! How’s that for a present?! F— you, Billy!”
Even though the decision from the court just came out a few hours ago, the state has already received 68 online applications for assisted suicide. In the ‘reasons and explanations’ part of the application, 33 applicants responded ‘Divorce’, 15 responded ‘Depression’, 15 responded ‘I live in Oregon’, and 5 responded ‘that stupid slut Becky Beyer.’