Sarah Palin Announces 2016 Run for Presidency

Posted on December 1, 2014 by Abe Abrams

WASILLA, Alaska –

Tea party darling and liberal punching bag Sarah Palin announced her plans to run for President in 2016. While Palin may be the first big name to throw her hat into the ring, it’s possible that she will have some stiff competition in the primaries, with possible candidates including, Jeb Bush, Chris Christie, Ted Cruz, and Rand Paul.

”We already know who the Dems are planning to run, her royal highness of the liberal left, the ‘it’s my turn,’ Miss Hillary Clinton,” said Palin outside the Wasilla post office which also serves as the area meeting place, town hall, police station, fire station, and gas station. “2016 is not going to be a dogfight, it’s going to be a cat fight! It’s going to take a woman to beat a woman, and I’m your gal!”

Palin says that she isn’t sure, yet, which platform to run on, because she’s not even sure which issues really matter to anyone. The only thing she could say for certain is that she really wanted to start drilling into that local pipeline.

“All I can say is that we Palins know how to fight! What was true in 2008 is still true today, because Obama has done nothing. The key to financial independence, to fixing this economy, to creating jobs, to keeping us out of wars in the Middle East, to energy independence is ‘Drill Baby Drill!’ And Who do you trust to get the drilling done? Who do want to drill? Me or Hillary? I’m here to say trust me, and drill me! A new pipeline will bring oil to the refineries and create jobs. Who wants a job? Who wants to lay the pipe? Who would you rather lay the pipe for? Some dried up old bag, or would rather lay the pipe for me?! I want so much oil for this country, that when I look down at that long pipe, I get blasted in the face. I dream every night that I’m covered in oil while hard-working American men are drilling and laying pipe. That’s my dream for America, That’s why I want to be your next President!”

“She definitely created some excitement out there,” said Peter Push, Palin’s campaign manager. “I never saw anything like it. When Sarah finished, out of respect the men just sat there with their hats in their laps and waited a good five minutes before standing up. If it comes down to Palin vs. Clinton, I know who the men will be lining up behind.”

Hillary Clinton Caught In Love Affair With Female White House Staff Member

Posted on September 27, 2014 by JP

Washington D.C. –

The Clinton name is back in the news this week, but for once it isn’t former President Bill Clinton who is under the spotlight – this time it’s his wife, Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who is under scrutiny, after allegedly being caught having an affair with her co-worker.

The co-worker in question is a former White House secretary, and it is being speculated that the affair has been happening since Hillary first took the job as Secretary of State. The woman, who so far has only been listed in the press as ‘Samille,’ has not been fully identified. It is still unclear if that is a pseudonym. So far, the only information that appears to be accurate is that the affair has taken place over several years.

‘Samille’ was not directly hired by Clinton, and reports indicate it may have been someone who had worked within the White House for many years, possibly meeting Hillary as far back as when her husband was President. Sources within the White House say that they spent so much time together ‘working,’ and having late-night meetings, that people began to wonder if there was something illicit happening almost as far back as 2012. The alleged affair officially came to light when a White House staffer, who had set up a meeting with Hillary, showed up 15 minutes early only to find the lovers kissing.

Since the accusations, Samille has admitted to it happening a lot more than once, and is claiming that she couldn’t help her emotions towards the former first lady.

“I mean it was something about the power, and the political presence that she holds. Plus, my God – the pantsuits are to die for, you know? They just set a fire in my heart…and between my legs,” said Samille via email to the Associated Press.

Former president Bill Clinton, who was first confronted with the news by reporters who caught him out to dinner on a business meeting, was asked if this would be the end of his marriage with Hillary.

“Oh God, I don’t think so. I mean, I think if anything at this point we would be considered even,” said former president Clinton, not at all taken aback by the news of his wife’s alleged infidelity. “She stood by me while I diddled everything that walked into the Oval Office, or Oral Office, as I liked to call it, haha. It’s high time she took the stick out and had a little fun, if you know what I mean. I just hope this might parlay into a little mixing-together-three, if you catch my drift.”

Political analysts are saying that the news breaking at this time might actually be good for Clinton, especially if she has any plans on running for president in 2016.

“When the truth came out about [Bill] Clinton giving Monica Lewinsky the ol’ heave-ho, and Hillary stood by him for some stupid reason, people called her a coward and a wimp. The claimed she didn’t have the nerve to leave her husband because he was president, when any other woman on the face of the planet would have just said “sayonara,'” said political analyst for the Washington Post Times, Bill Reed. “This turns everything on its head. This will get her the vote if she runs in 2016. Women will begin to love her for that strong sense of womanhood, and men might actually find her appealing now, because all men fantasize about two women going at it. Even if one of them is Hillary Clinton, who has the sex appeal of a school house fire.”

As of this time, there has been no official statement given by Hillary Clinton or anyone from within her political party. When asked about her take on the events, from an ‘insiders’ perspective, Monica Lewinsky said “Well, at least this time it wasn’t me. I certainly don’t need any of those kind of stains on any of my dresses.”

Obama Signs Executive Order Amending Constitution, Allows Unlimited Terms As President

Posted on August 10, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama has signed an executive order that seeks to amend the constitution, changing the listed terms a president can serve from the current two to an ‘unlimited’ amount. With support from Congress, the president signed the order with the intent of running for a third term in 2016.

“The people of this great nation deserve a leader that works for them,” said President Obama in a statement from the White House. “The change I promised during my first race is coming soon. It is very hard to un-do all the faults of your predecessor in only 4 short years. That is why I ran again, and you have elected me again for another 4 years. But even 8 years can sometimes not be enough time. So that is why, with the support of the U.S. Congress, I have exercised my rights of executive to sign this order, which will amend the Constitution of the United States, and allow for an unlimited number of terms as President.”

In 1940, Franklin Roosevelt won his third term as president. After bringing the country through the Great Depression and almost all of WWII, Roosevelt became one of the most popular presidents in US history. After his third term was completed, Roosevelt actually went on to win his fourth term, but died shortly afterwards. Upon his death, Congress drafted the 22nd amendment to the US Constitution, which states that a president can only serve two elected terms, for a total of 8 years.

“At the time this article was written, it was important to the structure and future of this great country,” said President Obama. “The United States had gone through tough times, and in 1947, after the death of Roosevelt, Congress decided that we needed this amendment to avoid a monarchy in this country. I am not seeking to be the King of the United States. I simply wish to try again, to run again, to continue the good work that I have done for this country.”

President Obama said that despite the changes being made to the 22nd amendment which allow him and any future president to serve unlimited terms, it does not change the fact that the office of President must be secured by vote.

“Either myself or any future man or woman who serves as President of this great country may now choose to run indefinite terms, but that does not mean that the people, whom we dutifully serve, will always vote to elect the same person,” said Obama.

The ratification was signed into order on Friday. As of the time of this writing, President Obama had not officially announced his intentions to run for a third term in 2016, but sources from within the White House say the announcement should be made soon.