New Hampshire Town Begins Providing Wooden Stakes To Residents In Case of Vampire Apocalypse


ALBANY, New Hampshire – 

A small town in New Hampshire has begun leaving sharpened, wooden stakes around the area in case of a vampire outbreak. The stakes are strapped to utility poles or taped to buildings, as town officials say that it is better to be safe, than sorry.

“A vampire outbreak could happen at any time, and without warning,” said Albany town commissioner Thomas Jones. “While other cities, and even the CDC, may be planning for possible outbreak, we want to have all of our bases covered. Providing sharpened wooden stakes to our citizens is the least we can do, and at a very low cost to the town.”

Jones said that they have, so far, placed over 300 wooden stakes, and at a total cost of only $89 dollars.

“We worked closely with a local furniture builder, who shaped discarded wood for us,” said Jones. “The only cost necessary was the straps used to hold them in place, and the little signs that we printed to provide explanation.”

Jones said that the town has taken “very warmly” to the idea of constant protection, and that it is a much better idea than having people carry around their own weapons.

“I like to think of it in this way,” said Albany resident Valerie Bruce. “I can’t shoot to save my life. I don’t know anyone that can. But I sure as hell can stab away, and if it comes down to it, I’d rather run to a wooden stake and stab a vampire than try to shoot it. More guns cause more problems in the long run. Besides, bullets don’t kill vampires.”

Jones says they will continue to place wooden stakes around town until they feel they are “fully secured,” and then will move on to placing crucifixes and garlic.

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