This morning the children’s entertainment franchise Chuck E. Cheese’s has announced their intention to deploy a new policy that will take effect January 2015. The company has decided it will require all customers to consent to a background check before entering their establishments. The company has said that if a potential guest shows up on the National Sex Offender Registry, they will be prohibited from entering the business.
Shortly after the official announcement, Morty Archibald, a Chuck E. Cheese’s General Manager and company spokesperson told the media that he expects the new policy to be the biggest win the company has seen in decades.
Archibald said “Look, it’s no secret; our net worth has drastically decreased since the 1980’s, primarily due to the perception that our business fosters an environment that attracts pedophiles and sex offenders that are just itching to snatch a kid, and partly due to the fact that we’re an arcade, which no one really cares about anymore.”
“If I’m being completely honest,” continued Archibald, “I’ve seen the parents that bring their kids to Chuck E. Cheese’s and I am of the belief that many of these kids would probably be better off with the child molesters and pedophiles. God, these parents are horrible sometimes. Most of them drink for hours straight, and then we let them drive these kids home. Why in the hell do we even serve alcohol?! Anyway, unfortunately our patrons and shareholders just don’t see it the same was that I do.”
According to Chuck E. Cheese’s, guests should now expect a 60 – 90 minute wait before entering the building. The spokesperson said that they will have a ‘shack-like’ building in the parking lot in which an employee will run a background check and provide all guests that have passed the check with a colored wristband.
The company will be requiring an upfront $25 fee from all potential guests. They say the fee will be going towards the cost of checking the National Sex Offender Registry, however the fee has been a point of controversy as the mentioned registry is available online for free.
Archibald said that on top of the background checks, Chuck E. Cheese’s will also become a ‘loner-free’ zone.
“We are no longer going to be allowing adults without children into our buildings, regardless of the background check. Chuck E. Cheese’s sees absolutely no reason that any adult would want to come here without bringing a child. This is just another way to make sure we’re keeping the creeps out, and the families happy.”
In addition, employees will be able to deny potential guests entrance at their discretion, even if the guest passes the background check. Archibald said “We will be encouraging our employees to use their natural instincts to discriminate against customers. We honestly feel it’s better to offend several minorities than lose one child.”
Though many are welcoming the company’s new policy, others say it’s just a washed out company’s sad attempt to regain relevance while charging unnecessary fees.