Cheez-It Crackers Contain Highly Addictive Additive, Many Are Boycotting Product

Posted on August 26, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Cheese lovers are boycotting the popular snack Cheeze-Its due to concerns about the addictive nature of the crackers, as well as some of the ingredients.

Cheez-It brand crackers contain the preservative TBHQ, which is made from butane and is dangerous to consume. BHQ, tertiary butylhydroquinone, is a synthetic antioxidant that is commonly used as a food preservative. TBHQ contains a butyl moiety which some consumers, with no knowledge of chemisty, fear is related to butane.

TBHQ has been banned in Japan, but the FDA and the European Food Safety Authority both classify TBHQ as a safe food additive.

Cheez-It has released a statement on its facebook page, addressing the many consumer concerns.

“Thanks for reaching out. We appreciate you sharing your concerns. These ingredients are antioxidants which prevent the food from spoiling. If you want to eat bad, stale crackers we suggest you find an ‘all-natural’ brand. We pride ourselves in the flavor and freshness of our product and add the least amount of preservatives necessary to keep our cracker from tasting like straight cheesy shit. We know some consumers are unnecessarily paranoid and are looking at a number of natural alternatives to ensure the same flavor and freshness in our foods. Good luck.”

The company maintains that the reason their crackers are so addictive is because “they’re fucking delicious, and everyone loves cheese.”

Florida Conservative Group Says We Need To ‘Save The Mosquitos’

Posted on May 15, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

As government leaders argue over funding the Zika control effort, environmentalists in Florida are campaigning to save the mosquitos. The Florida Conservation Coalition (FCC) says the attempts to control the spread of the Zika virus by decimating the mosquito population will harm the environment.

FCC representative Matt Toole says, “Saving a few babies from a life of gross mental retardation is not worth the entire collapse of the eco system. Bats, birds, and dragon flies stand to be wiped out. And don’t get me started on fish.”

One protester, desperate to make a point, was hospitalized after covering himself in bug spray and setting himself on fire.

Most other residents of Florida could not disagree more. Swamp resident Marla Jackson says she hopes they kill every last mosquito. “If just one sweet little babe is saved, I say wipe them all out. We hate those damn bugs.”

KFC Protested After Patrons Begin Finding Watermelon, Grape Drink on Menus

Posted on April 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LEXINGTON, Kentucky –

Restaurant chain Kentucky Fried Chicken is stirring the pot in the southern states this week, after several patrons noticed that many of their local franchises had added watermelon slices, grape drink, and corn bread to their menus.

“It was an outrage,” said frequent KFC customer John Limon. “Watermelon? Grape drink? Clearly this restaurant has no idea how to cater to its white customer base, and I for one, will never come here again until they remove these items from their menu.”

Company spokesman Shirley Gordon says that they were trying out new things on their menus, but that they were trying to reach a new audience, not alienate their current customers.

“We have been selling to mostly white families for decades, and we felt it was time to stretch out a bit, and possibly reach some African-American households,” said Gordon. “We already had fried chicken on our menus, of course, but that wasn’t bringing them in. We assumed it was because we were missing the proper sides and beverages. We now have that.”

“It’s too bad that all them white folks are making such a fuss about this watermelon deal,” said Patrick Lamar. “I don’t know why. They don’t have to get the damn watermelon. I love watermelon, and until KFC put it on their menu, I had no interest in going. I hope they don’t cave to the demand of the white guys, like companies always seem to do.”

KFC says that at this time the items are in “test markets” only, and they have not made a final decision about fully rolling it out to all locations. KFC is part of the YUM! brand of restaurants, which also owns Taco Bell and Long John Silver.