Dunking Donuts and Starbucks Plan Company Merger

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BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Starbucks may be on every single street corner in the country, but America runs on Dunkin. The two companies announced today that a merger, which is estimated to be worth somewhere in the nature of $2 billion, would be taking place over the remaining part of the year.

“It is with great joy that we announce that two of the biggest coffee chains in the country come together under one banner,” said the companies in a joint statement. “We are proud to announce that Dunkin’ Donuts and Starbucks will finally become one family, hereby now known as DunkinBucks.”

The companies say that the combo stores will begin opening sometime in late August, and that you will be able to get both coffees at each location, as well as the same pastries and doughnuts currently sold by each store.

“We didn’t want to take anything away from either brand, we just wanted to focus on a future,” finished the statement, published in The New York Times and Boston Globe, among other papers throughout the country. “This is the future of coffee.”

Dunkin’ Donuts To Debut New Fashion Line; Free Pants With Donut Purchase

CANTON, Massachusetts – Dunkin' Donuts To Debut New Fashion Line; Free Pants With Donut Purchase

The beloved treat that ‘America Runs On’ is going to be sharing face time with a new product. On Friday, Dunkin Donuts announced they will be starting a new fashion department, to debut with a pair of ‘revolutionary’ pants. The new pants will be given away with every dozen donuts purchased starting next week.

According to Dunkin’ Donuts, the pants are incredibly unique in that they are not only comfortable, but they expand with the owner. Using old NASA technology the pants will stretch without tearing or fraying. The slogan for the pants, “We Dare You To Grow Out Of ‘Em” was thought up by the chief marketing officer Paul Reynish. The CEO of Dunkin brands and Chairman, Nigel Travis, also chimed in saying, “It only felt right after we had so many customers complain about gaining weight on our delicious pastries. We had a lot of complaints about product going straight to customers hips, well here’s a new product that’s supposed to.”

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The pants have been put through rigorous tests for strength, elasticity, and customer comfort. One of the tests was for waist elasticity, where the pants were loaded with trash bags full of donut holes until they could not hold anymore. This test was to show that it is not possible for the owner of the pants to outgrow them, no matter their weight or unusual shape.

“Another test was for customer comfort. Several randomly selected Dunkin’ Donuts frequent costumers were given the pants and asked to walk a mile. Although none of those chosen could finish the mile, the one setback of the pants was discovered,” said Travis. “Due to the material, and the closeness of the customer’s thighs, a few small crotch fires broke out from friction. No one was hurt, and this unfortunate inconvenience has been worked out. A second drawback of the pants is that in order to stretch properly, they cannot have pockets but instead have built in fanny packs where pockets should be. Designers all added donut holsters on each hip.”

These pants will come in jeans, slacks, velvet suit pants, corduroys, and even overalls. The company expects these additions to boost sales dramatically. The pants will go on sale the week after the dozen donut giveaway at $9.99 a pair, or a free pair with every order of 3 dozen donuts. The company’s profits are up 36% according to the Wall Street Journal, and they are expected to rise higher with the new sales opportunities.

 

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