BOSTON, Massachusetts –
A new study conducted by Harvard University shows that teens who “vape” are more likely to be made fun of than kids who do not. The study was performed over the last year, and monitored a group of 200 teens aged 15 to 19.
“Of the group, 100 of the kids were vapers, or kids who smoke using vape pens, etc.,” said that study chairman, Mick Horn. “Those kids were asked to vape in front of the other 100 kids, who proceeded, of course, to call the vape kids a slew of names, including ‘faggot,’ ‘tool,’ ‘loser,’ and ‘asshole,’ among others. When the study was flipped, the vape kids really had nothing to say about the non-vapers.”
According to his findings, Horn says that kids should decidedly not take up vaping, unless they like being made fun of.
“There’s really no point to vaping, short of smoking while looking like an extra douche bag,” said Horn. “I think that my study conclusively proves that.”
SAN FRANSISCO, California –
Hipsters everywhere rejoice! Once November has run its course, you do not have to shave your tragically un-cool facial hair. Instead, you can join with dozens of other hair men by partaking in Decorative Beard December, a new trend sweeping the nation.
“I plan to decorate my beard with garland and little ornaments,” said bearded man Joe Goldsmith. “It will be fantastic. I think, somehow, there is a cause involved? I have no idea, though. Who cares? I just want an excuse to grow a beard.”
Many men forgo shaving throughout the month of November, a movement originally referred to as Movember, a way to bring awareness to men’s health issues, such as testicular cancer.
“I knew there was some sort of cause!” said Goldsmith, when he was told why he wasn’t shaving in the first place. “Frankly, I just do the No Shave November thing because my wife bitches if I try to grow out facial hair any other time of the year. She, like most sane women, hate beards. I’m glad now that there is a reason to keep the beard through December.”
“I plan on spray painting my beard green, and sprinkling some glitter into it,” said hipster Franz Silver. “It will look very beautiful, no doubt about it. Man, I sure do love a reason to do what every living man can do, and grow out a disgusting beard. Thanks, Christmas!”