Government To Increase Hunting Law Age To 21

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In an effort to curb the use of guns by minors and children, the government has decided to increase the legal hunting age for all animals to 21 beginning in 2017. The change, they hope, will keep guns out of hands of younger and younger kids who are “getting a feel” for weaponry too early.

“After shootings at multiple schools, including a recent one where a teenager shot and killed students at an elementary school, this change in the law was a no-brainer,” said Mark Scott, a Republican Senator. “We hope to keep guns out of the hands of young children, in hopes that as they grow up, they will be less inclined to have anything to do with high-powered weaponry.”

Currently, the lowest age allowed for hunting anywhere in the United States is 8-years-old in states like New Hampshire and Maine, where children can use rifles and bows for hunting. Sidearms and pistols are already regulated to those 21 and older.

“This law will help to curb gun violence perpetrated by children. If they’re not exposed to guns, they’ll be less prone to violence and killing, and that can save lives.”

U.S. Regulators Looking To Drop Legal Drinking Age From 21 To 12

WASHINTON, D.C. – empire-news-US-regulators-Looking-To-Lower-Drinking-Age-From-21-to-12

United States regulators have recently announced their plans to drop the legal drinking age from 21 to 12, citing the minimum-age drinking laws of other many other countries around the world, some of which are even lower.

“It’s really far, far too high of an age. Everyone knows that kids sneak alcohol long before they turn 21. We just want to make it legal for them to do so.” Said Congressman Alex Silver of Denver. “I let my 14 year old drink all the time at home. He’s perfectly fine, a straight-C+ student. You couldn’t ask for a better kid.”

Federal lawmakers have generally left it up to individual states to regulate their minimum age for drinking laws, but these new statutes would generally supersede most states’ laws, allowing pre-teens across the country to get their drink on.

“Ohmygod I cannot wait to do some shots, shots, shotshotshotshot shots with my friends!” Said Felisia Ann, a 16 year old from Concord, New Hampshire. “Normally I would just let some college dude get to second base with me behind the liquor store, and then he’d buy it for me. This is so much better. I’m super stoked that they’re looking to lower the age. I’ve gotta text my friends and let them know we will be able to stop drinking rubbing alcohol and cough syrup!”

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Parents of young teens are naturally outraged at the government’s decision to step in and lower the drinking age.

“It would be one thing if they lowered it back to 18, like it used to be.” Said Cassie Jones, a mother of 3 teenage girls. “I’ve always thought there was no problem with it being 18. We let people go to Iraq and kill at 18, but they can’t drink? It’s absurd. But what’s even more absurd is Joe-Law thinking my kid should be allowed to drink at age 12. At that age they’re barely off the bottle as it is, and now they want to put a new bottle in their mouth? Please.”

Representative Sam Clemens, of Pennsylvania, disagrees.

“In France, Germany, Ireland – all over the world, kids are allowed to drink at an extremely young age.” Said Clemens. “Even younger than 12 in some cases, and those children, they will have a wine with dinner or a bottle of whisky instead of a juice box. Those countries don’t exactly have strikingly high rates of alcoholism, either. Well, maybe Ireland, but that’s obvious.”

Regardless of federal regulations, most parents have said that they will not be permitting their children to have any alcohol until they are much older.

“There is no way that my son is going to have any booze. He’s barely 14.” Said Joe Goldsmith, of Kentucky. “When I was 14, I couldn’t drink or my father would have taken a belt to my ass. So I did what most 14 year olds did, and I smoked a ton of weed. If my son wants to get high, that’s fine, but he’s certainly not going to be brown-bagging it with his friends on the weekends.”

“No matter what my parents say, if this law passes, I’m getting [expletive] smashed.” Said Ann. “I’m so excited for this. I was seriously like a half-step away from sleeping with guys just to get alcohol. This just changed all that. Now I can save myself for the right guy…or at least wait until I’m so blasted I can’t remember a thing.”

 

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