OTTAWA, Canada – 
Earlier this week, members of Canadian parliament held a press conference in Ottawa to announce that they’re sick and tired of hockey being their “thing.” Since no one really knows who they’re political leaders are, or that they even have a government, they invited their most famous celebrities, all of whom live in America, star in American films, and produce American music, to make the important announcement.
“Isn’t it ironic that Canadians are so nice but hockey is a violent sport?,” famous Canadian Alanis Morissette sang to kick off the conference. “Seriously, though,” Morissette said in a speaking voice.
“We’re cold and we’re tired and we’re really nice. Is there a sport about being really nice?,” famous Canadian Seth Rogen asked.
The suggestions Canada listed as possibilities to be their new “thing” include Helping Friends Move, Feeding Ducks, Sitting Patiently for Hours, Collecting Spoons, Taking Long Walks, Making Tiny Ships in Jars, Providing Shooting Locations for the Earlier Seasons of The X-Files, or Exporting Maple Candies.
Some Canadian celebrities even threw in suggestions of their own. “Can we steal bobsledding from the Jamaicans? It just makes more sense,” famous Canadian Ryan Gosling said. Gosling is also a strong supporter of the tiny ships in the bottles. “I’ve seen them. They’re very real and very majestic.”
Canada is the country above the United States, to the right of Alaska. Ottawa is the capital of Canada. They’ve always been really good at hockey. Some famous Canadians who also attended the conference include Avril Lavigne (advocate for Collecting Spoons), Cobie Smulders, Ryan Reynolds (advocate for Helping Friends Move), Robin Thicke, James Cameron, Rachel McAdams, Michael Cera, and Hayden Christensen (strong advocate for the unlisted thing of ‘Lots of Of Regret and Shame’). Leonardo DiCaprio attended the conference as a non-Canadian supporter of the cause to ditch hockey.
“Hockey is pretty cool and all, but Americans have made it their thing now, too,” said DiCaprio. “Let’s get Canada their own thing once again.”