Company Creates Candles, Perfumes That Smell Like Dirty Sex Organs, Sweat

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CARSON CITY, Kansas – 

A new startup company has begun selling candles that smell like dirty sex organs and sweat, in scents they are labeling as “adult friendly.” The new business, called Dirty Birdie Scents, was started when couple Rick and Sheena Morrison realized how much they loved the smell of their home after a long, dirty sex session.

“Whereas some people have sex, and then need to air out the room or spray it down with colognes, we would have sex, and the stench of sweat, pussy, and ejaculate would fill the air, and we loved it,” said Rick Morrison, 30. “Sheena and I used to have sex in every room in our house just so we could keep it smelling that way all the time. We knew we couldn’t be alone in loving it.”

As it turns out, the couple was right. They began selling their products in 2014, and have since sold over $7.3 million dollars worth of sex-scented candles and perfumes.

“We love that people love the ‘smell of the fuck,’ as we call it,” said Sheena. “It’s a beautiful thing to make love to your partner, or even to some random man or woman you’ve never met, whatever floats your boat. Either way, the smell that is left behind is wonderful, and it’s obvious people agree.”

When they were asked about how they collected and bottled the scents that smelled so much like ‘dirty, raunchy pussy,’ ‘swamp ass,’ and ‘crusty limp dicks,’ the couple would only smile and shake their heads.

“That’s definitely our secret,” said Rick.

New Breed of Extremely Miniature Dogs Being Used As Perfumes, Colognes

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WASILLA, Alaska – 

A new breed of extremely miniature dogs that has been popular in Japan for over a decade has made its way to the United States, and consumers are going crazy for them. The MiniMuffs breed is generally less than 3 inches long and weighs a mere 6 ounces, but its not their cute size that makes them a hot commodity.

“Oh my God, their saliva smells incredible,” said Marlene Hendrix, 46. “I bought 3 MiniMuffs the second I heard they were on sale in the US, and I’ve used up two of them already. They’re expensive, about $600 per MiniMuff, but their spit is the greatest cologne or perfume you’ve ever smelled.”

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According to the USDA and the American Breeders Association, MiniMuffs has a special enzyme in their saliva that makes it smell incredible.

“To be honest, the smell is not something that you can put into words, but just know that it’s like every amazing thing you’ve ever smelled rolled into one, making that the greatest smell ever,” said ABA spokesman Georgia Mitchell. “Normally we would not recommend breeding a dog strictly to use in this manner, but to be honest, it’s just too good of a smell.”

Mitchell says that currently, people can “use up” the dogs after a couple of months, and normally they are simply discarded.

“Oh yeah, I mean, it’s sad that eventually they dry out,” said Hendrix. “I mean, I wish you could just get one and it lasts forever, but that’s not the case. Like I said, I went through two already. When they dry out, they just die, and I have just been putting them down the garbage disposal. It keeps that smelling super fresh, too.”

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