LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

The Black Keys may be one of the most popular blues bands around today, but their record company thinks they’re due a change. In order to increase sales of their next album, Nonesuch Records has told the melancholy rockers to “liven up”. The band has been very successful with their sombre sound thus far, and this potential change could see their audience changing.

“The boys are a bit… whiny,” said Nonesuch spokesman, Jack Wilkinson. “Dan [Auerbach] and Patrick [Carney] have gotten rather self-indulgent, don’t you think? A bit more happiness and fun would do us all some good.”

Fans of the duo have been mixed in their response to the news. However, a significant minority say that it’s about time.

“I love the Black Keys, I do,” said superfan, Carrie Knight. “But… they moan a lot – like, a lot. Life’s not that bad, come on. I’d love to see what they do with faster beats and some major chords, along hopefully with fun lyrics about love affairs which have worked out swell.”

Others have been less than enthusiastic.

“If they become happy, that’s it,” said emo kid, Johnny Galbraith. “It’ll be like My Chemical Romance did with [final record] ‘Danger Days’. It was so disappointing to hear Gerard [Way] sound like he actually enjoyed life. I don’t want that to happen to any other of the artists I love and wish the best for.”

Guitarist and vocalist, Dan Auerbach, spoke to Empire News, letting us in on the background that led to their label’s latest prompt.

“I’ve written about twenty songs for the next album,” he said. “We were gonna choose about eleven or twelve for the final cut, but Nonesuch’s dude got real down while listening to the samples. He went home and killed himself, so they sent a new guy with the same result. That’s why they’ve dropped this bombshell on us – it’s not for the sake of the music; it’s their selfish desire to avoid lawsuits.”