Local Teenager Grows Poor Excuse For A Mustache, Thinks He’s Ron Swanson

SHREVEPORT, Louisiana –  teenager grows mustache thinks hes ron swanson

Local 16-year-old Trevor McKenzie has recently realized he can grow the slightest bit of facial hair on his upper lip, and so he has not shaved in two months. Despite looking utterly ridiculous, McKenzie apparently thinks he’s Godd— Ron Swanson or something.

It is not known if McKenzie was inspired by the hilariously-manly Ron Swanson, played by Nick Offerman on the NBC sitcom Parks and Recreation. It’s just as possible that McKenzie may have seen too many reruns of Magnum P.I. featuring Tom Selleck, or maybe in history class he was influenced by black-and-white photographs of the mustachioed presidents of old, such as Theodore Roosevelt or William Howard Taft. What is known is that McKenzie’s “mustache” is terribly thin and horribly prepubescent, and should be shaved off immediately to show respect to the aforementioned all-time great lip ticklers.

McKenzie seems completely unaware that rather than impressing friends or attracting girls, which seems to be his intention, his “mustache” serves only as a subject of ridicule. When confronted with this teasing, McKenzie dismisses the unpopularity of his ‘stache as thinly-veiled jealousy. Sadly, the reality is that most high school students, despite being ignorant in most aspects of life, have enough sense to not grow a mustache if they can’t do so properly. Deep down, McKenzie must surely be aware that his poor excuse of a mustache is an embarrassment to him and his family.

We all know that history is doomed to repeat itself. We can extrapolate from previous trends that McKenzie will shave off his near-translucent mustache in a few weeks and regret that it ever took residence on his face, only to grow a half-ass goatee in his freshman year of college.

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