Discount Meat Giveaway Seemed Fishy To Police, Multiple Arrests Made

NEWARK, New Jersey –

When Felicia Sommers heard about the big discount meat giveaway taking place beside the community garden she tends, she wasted no time in calling all of her friends. “Have you seen the price of meat these days? It’s outrageous!” said the 32-year old mother of four. “I called as many people as I could to get over here, and get over here quick.”

One of the people Sommers called was the wife of Newark police detective Alan Hynes. “I knew something was up when my wife told me about it,” said Det. Hynes. “I changed into plain clothes and took a walk over.”

Sure enough, a few shady characters operating out of the back of a truck and dealing in cash-only transactions were running the show. “Labels were torn off the plastic so you couldn’t find out where the meat came from, but we knew it was stolen from somewhere,” said Hynes. “There were also a number of lookouts pacing up and down, these guys were real amateurs.”

“The meat looked very lean,” said Sommers, “leaner than any meat I have ever seen before. I was about to ask the guys a question when all hell broke loose and we found out the truth.”

“It’s horsemeat!” cried one astute discount meat shopper! “I know horses, my dad’s a butcher and my mom’s a vet, and this shit is horse meat!”

Panic ensued. Customers screamed. Many retched out in the open air. The purveyors of purloined pony plasm quickly grabbed their packages and threw them back in the truck, snatching some of the equine flesh from the hands of many disappointed consumers.

“I didn’t care if it came from a horse or whatever,” said single mother Winnie Foster. “I have mouths to feed. We eat pigs and sheep and birds and cows, don’t we? What’s the big deal about eating a damn horse? It’s not like it’s monkey meat or anything gross like that! Now I gotta go home and make some more damn spaghetti, and I promised my family they were going to have meat tonight. My kids are sick of spaghetti – and so am I!”

The perpetrators were arrested and charged with selling stolen property, but were not charged with selling horse meat. “It’s technically not illegal to sell horse meat in the United States. The government cleared it years ago – it’s just kind of frowned upon,” said Hynes. “So we couldn’t get them on that, though I’d have liked to. I’ve done mounted police duty before, and so the thought of eating one, well it kind of makes me sick to my stomach to tell you the truth.”

“I guess I’ve learned my lesson,” said Sommers. “If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.”

SAN DIEGO, California –

11-month old Madison Fowler from San Diego, California, has been banned from play dates indefinitely.

“It’s all my fault,” says Diane, little Madison’s mother. “Kids pick up what they hear, and I’m the one to blame.”

When most mothers would be celebrating their baby’s first word, Diane, 24, can only hang her head in shame, while cupping her hand over Madison’s mouth. “’Sh––stain.’ She’s calling everybody ‘sh––stain. I use that word an awful lot when I’m changing her – her diapers I mean,” said Diane. “Well, I used to say it, until the day before yesterday.”

Up until 2 days ago, Diane and Madison were invited to more play dates than they could keep up with. But all that changed when Madison looked up into the eyes of last Monday’s ‘host mommy’ Jean, reached out to grab her finger, and said ‘s––stain.’

“I was so embarrassed,” said Diane. Everyone stopped what they were doing and Madison kept saying that word over and over and over again — ‘s––stain, s––stain, s––stain’ — I couldn’t get her to stop. They kicked me out and said I was banned from coming to any more play dates because of Maddie’s potty-mouth.”

“We can’t afford to have a bad influence here,” said Monday’s ‘host mommy’ Jean. One child says something, then the next thing you know, all the kids are saying something and we just can’t have that. I’m trying to raise Christian children here. We all are!” she added.

Meanwhile, back in Diane’s apartment, typical objects are scattered throughout — a playpen, toys, baby stroller, bottles, formula, and — to put it delicately — poo stains from little Madison decorating several dozen spots around her playpen and changing table.

“I feed her organic baby food that I make myself,” explained Diane. I don’t like artificial things in food, pesticides and things like that. She’s kind of – what’s the word I’m looking for? ‘Explosive’ I guess is the word. Food comes out of her like target practice. If it’s a choice between no play dates and Maddie’s health, I’m choosing her health! Any mother would.”

There’s little to no chance of reinstatement back to play date group for Diane and Madison.

“They tore up my agreement. They’re very strict. One new mother was banned because her 6 month old drooled too much. All the other mothers cross the street when they see me now. I guess you get to really know who your friends are,” said Diane, her eyes brimming with tears.

“It’s not fair,” she cried. “She’s just a baby and it’s all my fault and it was her very first word and I can’t tell anyone and -” Diane was interrupted by Madison as she threw her toy cellphone on the floor and said “s––stain.”

The young mother buried her head in her hands and wept.