BANGOR, Maine –
A man in Maine was hospitalized with severe stomach issues after it was discovered that he was using his wife’s breast milk to dunk his cookies into.
Thomas Towner, 30, had apparently been sneaking into the family kitchen for weeks, dunking his favorite Girl Scout cookies into glasses of his wife, Vanessa’s, breast milk.
“We just had our first baby, and Vanessa has been pumping non-stop,” said Thomas. “We have a massive surplus of it in the fridge and freezer. I accidentally got a little on my hand one time while feeding the baby, and I just licked it off, without really thinking about it. It was delicious. Ever since, I can’t get enough of the stuff.”
Doctors say that they pumped more than a gallon of breast milk out of Thomas’ stomach.
“Breast milk is rich with nutrients and minerals, and it’s good for babies – not so much for adults, though,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Maine General Hospital. “Mr. Towner had been drinking so much of the stuff, it was poisoning his body. We do not at all recommend drinking your own, or your wife’s, breast milk. Save that stuff for the baby. They need it more than you.”
GARLAND, Texas –
Doctors are in pure disbelief after a patient came into the ER early Wednesday morning complaining about severe stomach pains. The man, who wishes to remain anonymous, is still seeking treatment in the hospital and staff claim they have never seen anything like this before.
“We take on a wide number of patients day-after-day, and at this point in my career I thought that I’ve seen it all,” said Michelle Brooks, a nurse at the hospital. “The gentlemen came in, and said his pain was a ’10’ on the stupid scale we’re always using to determine how bad it hurts, so we gave him the standard tests and after nothing came up out of the ordinary, we thought it might have been just gas. He begged us to run another test, so we did an ultrasound of his abdomen, and what we found was remarkable.”
The ultrasound showed a large pumpkin-shaped shadow in the man’s stomach, and doctors initially assumed it was built-up feces, which happens often in patients with IBS and other stomach disorders. It wasn’t until the man mentioned that he had been snacking on some raw pumpkin seeds the previous evening that the idea of an actual pumpkin being inside this man’s stomach even blossomed.
“At first we laughed, and thought it was funny how the ultrasound images appeared to be a pumpkin, but when we looked into it further, we realized it was an actual pumpkin,” said Doctor Rose. “In my career, I’ve seen nothing like this before. The closest is the multitude of things I’ve pulled out of people’s anuses, like lodged bottles and Toy Story figures, but I have never dealt with cases of people swallowing a seed that grew.”
Doctors are now attempting to break down the pumpkin with medications so the man can pass the pumpkin out properly, as they felt surgery was too great a risk in his current condition. If the medications don’t work, doctors say that the only remaining method will be extreme laxatives to help the man pass the pumpkin whole.