BREAKING: President Trump Secretly Bought Hundreds of Satire and Fake News Websites, Paid Owners MILLIONS To Help Him Get Elected

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In some shocking news released this morning, it has been revealed that President Trump secretly bought out over 300 different fake news websites, including The News Examiner, National Report, and The Onion in hopes of controlling writers and owners, and paying them to write stories that could “get him elected.”

“Major ‘real’ news sources are good and all, but sometimes you need a little help from the other sector,” said Paul Horner, a hoax purveyor and massive internet satirist who owns dozens of fake news websites. “I write fake news, and I write it because there are things in life that piss me off. I use my stories to make people look stupid, because most people are stupid. But when someone came to me with a big fat check, and said ‘help us get this Cheeto into office,’ I couldn’t possibly say no.”

Horner says that he was paid several hundred thousand in exchange for his fake news websites publishing content that was either “pro-Trump,” or “anti-Trump haters.” Other sites reportedly also received large, fat checks.

“In retrospect, I kind of hate myself for helping him get elected,” said Bob The Empire News Potato, Editor-in-Chief of Empire News. “I mean yeah, the money is great. I bought a huge mansion and a couple cars. I’ve got 2 kids in college, so it was nice to just pay all that off. Then my wife and I took a tour around Europe a couple times. We went to Mexico on a 2 month cruise. All of that has been amazing. But I’d give it all back if I had known just how lousy he was really going to be for this country.”

When reached for comment, President Trump said that “any stories of using fake news to get elected are fake news.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump signed executive order HS-666 on Friday, completely outlawing fake news. A memorandum to the order outlined specifically outlets that were deemed to be liars, and people who worked for those media stations were immediately taken into police custody.

Top-level executives at CNN, MSNBC, and The Onion were all taken in by police for releasing “fake news stories” to the public, and charged with currently unknown crimes.

“This new order is a disgrace to all of us who write real news, and are being labeled as fake by a bullish president,” said a representative for CNN. “It’s a sad day when we are coupled in with The Onion. No offense to them. They’re kind of funny sometimes. But the fact that anyone thinks that CNN is writing the same kind of news as The Onion? That’s absurd.”

Trump reportedly plans to continue his raids of fake news organizations, and says he is “very pleased” with the initial work that police forces have done to implement his order.