Handgun Charged With Murder Of 3 In Virginia


MONETA, Virginia – 

In a shocking series of events, a semi-automatic handgun has been charged with the murder of 3 people in Moneta, Virginia, after a widely-broadcast shooting recently took place. Prosecutors are saying that since the alleged shooter was also killed, the only responsible party remaining is the actual gun itself.

“After murdering two people, the gunman used this semi-automatic pistol to then kill himself, leaving nothing behind except for the gun,” said prosecuting attorney Myles Shepherd. “Guns are extremely dangerous, and we feel it is time that they should be held accountable for their crimes.”

Attorneys for the defense team say that the Ruger semi-automatic handgun was acting under the control of someone else, and should therefore not be held accountable for its actions.

“This gun was simply doing what guns were made to do, and that’s fire off rounds shamelessly into the bodies of other people, even if that happens on national TV and in videos posted to social media,” said defense attorney Jeremiah Clifford. “Yes, people were killed. Yes, it was senseless and violent. But is that really the fault of the gun, or the person who was holding it? Everyone knows that guns don’t kill people, people kill people.”

“People may kill people, sure, but guns kill way more often. We strongly believe that guns are to blame for the crime and hate in this world, and that finally holding the weapon responsible will force peace everywhere,” said Shepherd. “Guns across the globe will be afraid to fire. They will no longer hurt and kill innocent people. They will be held accountable for their actions, and we may finally get some resolution to the problems of violence plaguing our nation.”

A hearing is set for this week in the Moneta County court system. If convicted, the gun could, ironically, face the death penalty.


Looney Toons ‘Superfan’ Injured by Anvil

WILLIAMSBURG, Virginia – Looney Toons 'Superfan' Injured by Anvil

Anyone who’s seen a Road Runner cartoon knows the anvil gag – a heavy iron block used by blacksmiths somehow makes its way into nearly every cartoon, usually winding up in the hands or landing on the head of Wile E. Coyote, the Road Runner’s nemesis.

Life was not all ‘Merrie Melodies’ recently, though, for self-proclaimed ‘Looney Tunes Superfan’ Derek Whatley, 47, when he found himself with a broken leg while visiting a blacksmith’s shop in historic Colonial Williamsburg.

“We went down ‘Olde Main Street,’” said Whatley, “and stopped by the blacksmith’s to see how tools were made way-back-when.”

The Whatley family decided to spend a day at Colonial Williamsburg at the start of a cross-country trip.

“We saw a crowd in front of one of the storefronts,” said Derek’s wife, Susan.  We went up and saw a demonstration by a blacksmith.  It was fascinating!  I made sure the twins, Elmer and Sylvester, got up close for a good look.”

The Whatley’s twins are 13, and blame themselves for what happened next.

“The blacksmith asked if anyone would like to experience what it was like to work in a blacksmith’s shop in the old days,” explained Elmer.  “My dad’s always into new adventures, so we volunteered him.”

Whatley was outfitted with goggles, gloves, and a long leather apron to cover his Wile E. Coyote sweatshirt.  The blacksmith explained that he was going to help him forge a piece of metal used in part of a hand pump for a water well.

“I started to hammer out the little flat piece of metal on the anvil, and I guess I hit it wrong, or something.  The next thing I knew, I was on the floor, and I couldn’t feel anything from my left knee down.  My wife was screaming and the kids were crying. I guess I was in shock.”

Whatley’s leg was broken when the anvil slipped from its block and tumbled onto his leg.  A bolt used to secure the anvil, apparently weakened by years of metal fatigue, had snapped.

Whatley and family ended up in a nearby emergency room to have Derek’s broken leg attended to.

“Some of the doctors were laughing – the older ones anyway.  I forgot that I was wearing my Road Runner cap and my Wile E. Coyote sweatshirt.  I’m a the biggest fan of all those cartoons, and when I explained what happened and what fell on my leg, one of them looks at me and tries hard to keep from laughing, but he said he just couldn’t help it.”

The family will return to Williamsburg to fill out some incident reports and insurance forms related to the accident.

“The twins said I’m going to be an urban legend now,” said Whatley.  The family is temporarily housed at a nearby motel.

“This isn’t the kind of vacation we thought it would be,” said wife Susan, “but it could have been worse.  At the end of the day, it is what it is,” she said. “We’re trying to look on the bright side. At least he didn’t get blown up by TNT or fall off a cliff, you know?”

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