MLB Rule Changes Allows Players To Hold Bat While Running Bases

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NEW YORK CITY, New York – MLB To Allow Players To Hold Bat While Running Bases

During a press conference this morning, commissioner of Major League Baseball Bud Selig announced another major change to the rules of play in professional baseball. This new announcement comes only a few months after the change to the home-plate collision rule, which makes it against the rules for catchers to block the path of a base-runner sliding into home plate.

The new rule, as Selig explained it, will allow all players to carry their bats with them to each base as they run. The change is being made to further the excitement among fans as players inevitably slide into bases and “accidentally” beat the hell out of the baseman.

“It’s a great change for all players, but it’s an even better change for people watching at home and in the stands. We know those 9 innings can sometimes be a nightmare where nothing at all happens. It’s even worse if the games go long. This change will make every base hit a nail-biter!” Said Selig.

Selig, who has been commissioner of baseball since 1992, reportedly came up with the idea while watching the 1990 film Problem Child starring John Ritter. In the film, a man adopts an unruly child, who in one scene hits a ground ball and immediately runs to each base while holding the bat, clubbing the other kids at each base as he goes.

“I saw that scene and I laughed so hard, and I knew that the fans of MLB would laugh, too. Every time Mark Teixeira takes a nut-shot with a Louisville Slugger they’ll hoot and holler. The rule had to happen,” said Selig.

Selig said he also thought of changing the name of the “home-run” to a “touchdown,” which is what the boy from Problem Child began chanting after making it around the bases in the film. “I knew that the NFL would never allow us to steal their phrase, though,” said Selig. There is no word whether this new rule supersedes the recent home-plate collision rule.

Players are apparently divided on the new rule, with some actually talking about quitting the game all together.

“I never wanted to have to worry about getting smacked in the jimmies with a baseball bat,” said Derek Jeter, former shortstop for the New York Yankees. “It was bad enough that I had to worry about balls flying at my face while I was on the field. I guess I got out at just the right time.”

David Ortiz, DH for the Boston Red Sox, said he is glad that he will be able to carry the bat with him as he rounds the bases.

“I am a big man, I know that,” said Ortiz. “I already carry a presence on the field. Now I can carry a Louisville Slugger, too. No one will mess with Big Papi now.”

Neither Selig nor any representative for MLB could be reached for further comment.

Hemorrhoid Cream Manufacturer Courts A-Rod For New Commercial Spot

NEW YORK CITY, New York – Hemorrhoid Cream Manufacturer Courts A-Rod For New Commercial Spot

Pfizer, the company behind the drug Preparation H, the #1 asshole-soothing medication in the world, has announced plans today to pursue New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez for a line of new commercials they plan to air in time for the new year.

A representative for Pfizer released a statement via their website, as well as through media outlets such ESPN and The Associated Press, announcing their intentions to seek Rodriguez for their TV and internet spots, which would showcase the benefits of Preparation H, and its helpfulness in soothing that fire so often associated with a burning, polyp-laden rectum.

“Normally we wouldn’t go after someone in this fashion, and we are aware it’s unorthodox,” said Pfizer representative Martha Canon through their statement. “Normally we’d contact someone directly, or contact their representatives or legal team, but we’ve got such big ideas brewing we needed a big splash to get Rodriguez’s attention. We think this is the way. We have a pretty good feeling that he is a user of our product, and now we want him to pitch it for us.”

Preparation H has been on the market in one form or another since the 1930s, and it is not known for its extensive commercials or advertising. This new line of commercials would be the first in a series planned to feature big-name athletes. It would also mark the first time that a major athlete stars in ads on national TV, print, and internet talking about their burning nether-regions. Usually, it is just speculated how much of a pain in the ass a player might be, but now they’d be going on record to fully admit that they are, or at least have, those pains.

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“We knew that A-Rod was the perfect player to kick off our campaign,” continued Canon in the prepared statement. “He’s always come across as a real fiery sphincter – especially if you’re a Boston fan. There’s no way that he doesn’t have that burning, itching sensation himself.  Now we want him to tell the world how our products can sooth that burn, and bring some comfort back.”

So far, representatives for Rodriguez have not commented on whether or not he is interested in the deal. The reported take would be somewhere in the nature of $3 million, plus a two-year supply of Preparation H, as well as several bottles of a product that is still in testing, which is designed to not only sooth the burns that may be causing suffering, but also to remove the stick, or in this case baseball bat, that is firmly implanted up there, causing all the trouble.

Pfizer is extremely excited for the deal to take place, and they have no reason to believe that Rodriguez would turn it down. “It’s a win-win for both sides. We get the publicity, and he gets tons of money and a more relaxed anus. What more could anyone really ask for?”

Pfizer has not announced who else they plan on seeking for future commercial spots, but it is speculated that they also will be looking to court NBA star Kobe Bryant, NFL player Chad Ochocinco,  and because of recent press, LA Clippers owner David Sterling.

A-Rod, who was suspended for a total of 162 games after his part in a steroid scandal, has been kept off the field for the entire 2014 season, but Yankees officials have made it clear he will return to play in 2015.

 

Derek Jeter Cancels Retirement, Signs 3-Year Contract With Boston Red Sox

BOSTON, Massachusetts – empire-news-derek-jeter-not-retiring-signs-3-year-deal-with-boston-red-sox

The franchise player Derek Jeter is sure to disappoint every New York Yankee fan in the world after deciding not to retire after this baseball season. One of their star players for years, Jeter has signed a multi-year deal with Yankees rival the Boston Red Sox.

According to sources, Boston has been eyeing the possibility of picking up Jeter since he announced he would retire after this year, his 20th season in the MLB. Reportedly, the deal will make him an additional $25 million a year for the 3 years of his contract.

Reports have confirmed that Jeter and his agents have agreed to the terms of the contract, and Jeter is signing on the dotted line Wednesday evening.

Rumors swirled across the league that the Red Sox sent Jeter an offer during the all-star break, but insiders say they didn’t believe that Jeter would be interested. After 20 years in baseball, the game has taken its toll on Jeter, and he reportedly was looking forward to giving up the game. Once Jeter’s lawyers got their hands on the contract, they persuaded him to take the deal.

“It was great to have Derek on the team and he has done a lot for this organization and will always be remembered for what he has down for this team,” said Yankees manager Joe Girardi. “I don’t know his exact future after this season, but he will not be playing in a Yankee uniform and never will again.”

Fans of both New York and Boston are vehemently against the signing. New York fans consider Jeter a traitor for signing with their biggest rival; Boston fans want nothing to do with the ‘face of the Yankees’ playing for their beloved team.

“The guy is a first-rate jerkoff,” said Burt O’Reilly, a Boston resident and a lifelong fan of the Red Sox. “He comes to our team, takes a wicked huge load of money, and he probably won’t do a damn thing for us. Screw Jeter. We don’t need him playing in Fenway.”

Players across the league have taken to social media to comment on the deal, with tweets being been made by several Yankees players, saying things like “Jeter made an A-Rod Move” and “Years of history will be ruined with one signature.”

 So far, Jeter has not commented publicly on his deal. A request for comments from Jeter’s management team was not immediately returned.

 

 

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