WASHINGTON, D.C. –
The compassionate, good-natured United States government has been seeking a way to justly ban cigarettes from the country for decades. Cigarettes cause an astronomical amount of preventable deaths, health problems, and annoyances, as well as form addictions and drain the pockets of many citizens. Despite this, they have remained an integral part of the nation’s identity, primarily because the general population is too ignorant and arrogant to understand or admit to the faults of this drug.
Finally, as of January 1st, 2016, cigarettes will be completely banned from the country.
“The answer was right in front of our face the whole time,” a New York congressman said. “To be honest, it’s kind of embarrassing that it took this long to find it.”
The justification behind the bill came from the recent wave of heroin legalizations. By replacing the tobacco industry with the heroin industry, the government’s profit is expected to not only remain stable but possibly increase. Additionally, people who are currently addicted to cigarettes may be able to assuage their withdrawals by becoming addicted to a new drug.
“The fact that we were killing hundreds of thousands of people and generally making life more miserable never really mattered,” the congressman added. “It was really all about the money and making sure no one important lost any votes. I mean, we’re still going to be killing a lot of people this way, but at least we can win over the anti-tobacco camp.”
Government officials are still discussing how to transition into a heroin-run nation smoothly and without destroying any jobs.