BREAKING: OJ Simpson Reportedly Killed In Prison

OJ

LOVELOCK PRISON, Nevada – 

Representatives for Lovelock Correctional Facility in Nevada have responded to questions about OJ Simpson, who has been incarcerated in their facility since 2008, after news was leaked that Simpson killed during a prison-wide talent show that featured inmates and guards alike.

“It is absolutely correct that OJ Simpson, better known around the prison as Juice, absolutely killed during his stand-up comedy routine,” said Lovelock warden Derek Hughes. “He really was hilarious, and he had the whole crowd in stitches the entire time. He performed for maybe 15 minutes, doing totally original material. I seriously had tears rolling down my cheeks. It really was a throwback to his comedy days. You remember those Naked Gun movies? Oh man, those are my favorite films. He was hilarious then, and he’s hilarious now. I hope he gets out in time to make a cameo in the remake they’re working on.”

“I absolutely love performing, and it was great to get up there, have a little fun, and make everyone laugh,” said Simpson. “There are two big loves in my life, and that’s sports and comedy. I hadn’t yet been able to really do much comedy since I’d been in prison, but I am thankful that I’ve been able to coach and mentor some of the younger inmates and help them in their games. We have some great fields and facilities here. I want to thank everyone for the kind words about my stand-up performance. It means a lot.”

Simpson is eligible for parole in October, with preliminary parole hearings scheduled to begin in July.

Atlanta Falcons Say Brady, Patriots Cheated Their Way To Super Bowl Victory

HOUSTON, Texas – 

A representative for the Atlanta Falcons says that the team has made an official complaint with the NFL, stating that the New England Patriots cheated during the second half of the Super Bowl, causing the Falcons to lose.

In official documents signed by Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank and endorsed by head coach Dan Quinn, the team alleges that the New England Patriots cheated by having, “huge, over-inflated balls.”

“During the first half of the game, the Patriots clearly were using their normal balls. Hell, they might have been using slightly under-inflated balls, honestly,” said coach Dan Quinn. “I don’t know exactly what happened after the 3rd quarter, but when they came back out on the field, that team was definitely playing with an entirely new set of balls – and their balls were huge, and way larger than before.”

The NFL is not taking the accusation lightly, as the Patriots have known to play with their balls on previous occasions, with team quarterback and GOAT Tom Brady even being suspended for several games for knowingly playing with deflated balls.

“We are looking at the Patriots balls very closely, as we cannot and will not take any accusation lightly of the Patriots playing with either small or large balls,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “I have personally taken up the task of looking at Tom Brady’s balls, and will report my findings at a later conference.

In the mean time, football fans across New England are overjoyed at their team bringing home their 5th Super Bowl win.

“It’s a great time to be alive,” said Patriots Super Fan Mark Chilsom. “I don’t care a lick about balls, to be honest. That was the greatest game I’ve ever seen played, with a record-setting comeback. If it was because Tom Brady and the team came out to play with huge balls in the 4th, well the so be it.”

Colin Kaepernick Says He’s Never Going To Stand Again, Period

sitting

SAN FRANCISCO, California – 

NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick has taken a lot of heat this week after he didn’t stand for the National Anthem, claiming he was making a point about African-American struggles in the country. Now, though, Kaepernick is taking it a step further, saying that he plans to never stand again.

“It’s not going to be easy, and I fully know that,” said Kaepernick. “But the struggle is real for my black brothers, and so I’m going to do the world’s most intense sit-in. I’ll never stand up again if that’s what it takes for people to notice that African-Americans have it bad.”

Many criticize Kaepernick because he doesn’t know anything about the struggle of black America – or white America, for that matter.

“Yes, I am only half-black, and yes, I was adopted and raised by rich, white parents, but still, fuck whitey, and black power, or whatever,” he said. “Shit, all I know is that I’ll break my legs if it means I can sit down forever.”

Florida Gators To Change Name Following Alligator Attack That Killed Two-Year-Old

gators

MIAMI, Florida – 

College football team The Florida Gators has announced it will be changing its name following the death of a two-year-old boy who was grabbed and drowned by an alligator while vacationing with his family at the Disney World Resort in Florida.

The alligator snatched the toddler as he played at the edge of the Seven Seas Lagoon, a manmade lake at the Walt Disney resort.The boy’s parents, who were relaxing on the white sand shore nearby, sprang into action in a failed attempt to pry their child from the predator’s grip. A lifeguard who was on duty was unable to reach the boy before the alligator swam away with him.

Although the parents did not request the SEC Eastern Division champions change their name, the athletics department at the State University System of Florida says they have received a lot of public pressure. Coach Jim McElwain says he fears it may affect the team. “Personally, I think alligators get a bad rap. I’m worried a name change this close to start of the season is unrealistic and may affect team moral.”

The team has not settled on a new name, but the Raging Retires and Orange Crushers has been proposed.

Competitive Eater Joey ‘Jaws’ Chestnut Dies Of Acute Acid Reflux

joeychestnut

VALLEJO, California –

World-famous competitive eater Joey “Jaws” Chestnut, a competitive eater who was currently ranked second in the world, has reportedly died from acute acid reflux, a disease he developed over a career of eating excessive amounts of food.

“Joey was in incredible health for a person who consumed hundreds of thousands of calories as if it was his job,” said Dr. Emmett Brown. “Unfortunately, despite his good health and the calories not causing him to be massively overweight, the one thing he could not get past was his horrible case of acid reflux disease, which he contracted after a particularly difficult challenge of eating the World’s Hottest Hot Wings in 2011.”

Joey Chestnut had competed, and won, the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Challenge multiple years, as well as many other challenges, including hot wings, meatballs, pizza, and an entire turkey dinner.

“Joey was a God to me,” said up-and-coming competitive eater Kimball Rowell. “I competed against him once in a pizza eating contest, and I ate 4 slices in 2 minutes. He ate 3 full pizzas. The man is a legend, and his legacy will last a lifetime.”

Chestnut was scheduled to compete this summer at the Nathan’s Hot Dog contest once again, where he hoped to regain his title as world champion.

WWE Cancels ‘Wrestlemania’ Over Terrorist Threats

wwe

ARLINGTON, Texas – 

The WWE has announced that they are “indefinitely postponing” this year’s Wrestlemania pay-per-view after alleged terrorist threats were received. FBI officials say they cautioned the WWE to cancel the event in the wake of attacks that have happened all over the world.

“The WWE wants our fans to be safe, and so we have decided to cancel the event, with a possible plan to stage it at a late date and time,” said WWE CEO Vince McMahon. “This year’s event was set to be the largest in our company’s history, and we cannot take the chance of there being issues at a spectacle that will house nearly 100,000 people.”

FBI officials say that the received a “credible” but anonymous threat that terrorists would attack during the event, and they are taking the threat seriously.

“We are extremely happy that the WWE has taken this threat as seriously as we have, and cancelled their event,” said FBI spokesman George Glass.

“Frankly, no one really cares if they cancel it, anyway,” said WWE fan Larry Moss. “I mean, it’s the same shit that happens every week on their regular show. Now that pay-per-views are included in the WWE Network, and it’s only $10, they don’t put much thought into it anyway. I’m glad that it’s not happening, really. I was going to miss The Walking Dead. Now I don’t have to.”

Super Bowl 50 Garners Lowest TV Ratings In Event History

Nov 11, 2012; Charlotte, NC, USA; Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton (1) is hit as he throws a pass by Denver Broncos defensive end Derek Wolfe (95) and defensive end Robert Ayers (91) in the third quarter at Bank of America Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Bob Donnan-USA TODAY Sports

PHOENIX, Arizona –

Super Bowl 50 took place on Sunday evening, and chances are, you didn’t watch it. In the 50 years of the event’s history, and in the 38 that it has been broadcast on television, Sunday’s Super Bowl event garnered the lowest ratings ever. at only 2 million viewers. Normally the event would be seen by nearly 45 million people across the country.

“Basically, we think the two teams that played just weren’t cared about enough for people to watch,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. “If the Patriots had been in the game, then people would have watched, if at least just to see them cheat and try and get away with it.”

Normally the show is a ratings powerhouse, if not for the sporting event itself, than for the commercials and halftime show.

“That, too, is dying out, because frankly, these companies release their commercials onto YouTube before the game actually happens, so people have already seen most of them,” said Joe Goldsmith, public relations manager for the NFL. “I have no idea why, since they spend 5 million-plus just to air them during the game. And don’t get me started on the halftime show. I mean, you watch men slamming into each other, rough-and-tumble, hell of a game, and then boom, halftime and we’re watching…Coldplay? I mean, who the hell books these things?”

Goodell says next year he will work hard to make sure teams people care about make it to the Super Bowl.

“Even if I have to come up with new rules or something, whatever I have to do to get real, worthwhile teams and players into the Super Bowl, I’ll do it,” said Goodell.

Mountain Dew To No Longer Sponsor Auto Racing After Multiple Teen Deaths

dew

PURCHASE, New York –

After two teen deaths due to ingestion of Mountain Dew mixed with racing fluid, Pepsi-Co will be pulling all racing sponsorships. Cars affected will include Dale Earnhardt Jr, Kasey Kahne, and rookie Chase Elliot.

Racing fluid, used in drag racing, is made up of almost 100% methanol, a non-drinkable form of alcohol used for industrial and automotive purposes. Teens drink it to get an alcohol buzz, and initially, methanol can give the same effects as ethanol. This progresses to symptoms ranging from blurred vision, nausea, vomiting and diarrhea to seizures, blindness, coma and death, depending on the amount and concentration of the methanol that was consumed.

Hendrick Motorsports recently announced a three-year extension of PepsiCo’s longstanding partnership with the organization. They have agreed to rebrand the cars with Pepsi Max logos, which because of the artificial sugar, does not taste good with racing fuel.

Pepsi-Co warns kids not go to the measures of desperate alcoholics to get drunk. Racing fluid, antifreeze, and windshield wiper fluid should never be consumed.

“I thought most teens just stole booze from their parents or got someone’s older brother to buy beer – I mean hell, that’s what we did in my day,” said Pepsico spokesman Joe Goldsmith. “Or you know what they could do instead? They could just drink Pepsi brand soft drinks. There’s nothing cooler than hanging out with friends and enjoying a tall glass of refreshing Pepsi Cola or Mountain Dew.”

Scouts Take Interest In 14-Month-Old Snowboarding Baby

snowboard

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah –

Sloan Henderson can barely walk, but she is already snowboarding. Scouts are already showing interest the little athlete. Parents Katie Henderson, 29, and Zachary Henderson, 30, of North Salt Lake, Utah say they are keeping Sloan’s options open and will not be signing with anyone just yet.

Sloan had just learned to walk when parents put her on a Burton Riglet board and pulled her around their home. They received worldwide attention when they took her to slopes. The Youtube video quickly went viral.

Although her parents are turning athletic scouts away for now, they say they would welcome an endorsement. “Sloan’s an adorable baby. She’d make a great face for your snowboard, and we could use an addition on our home. Of course any money left over would go into a college fund,” says Katie Henderson.

Some are accusing the parents of abuse, saying the Henderson’s are endangering the child, especially since there are no helmets small enough to properly fit the 14 month old. Currently the helmet they have Sloan wearing is designed for a child much older, but they stuff it with rags or old t-shirts to fill in the gaps. The parents have responded by saying they wanted to develop healthy habits in their daughter. “Sitting a child in front of a TV – that’s real child abuse.”

Robert Kraft To Sell New England Patriots To Highest Bidder After AFC Loss

patriots

FOXBORO, Massachusetts – 

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft has said that he is selling the championship team after a 2-point loss in this year’s AFC championship game. According to Kraft, he can’t deal with the New England fans any longer.

“When we’re winning, the fans are amazing, and there’s nothing better than being the owner,” said Kraft. “Unfortunately, when we’re losing – or when we’ve lost – the fans become vile, vicious, and stupid. They send death-threat tweets to players. They tell players that they should kill themselves. It’s sickening, and it makes me want to leave sports completely.”

Kraft says that he wants to sell the team to someone who can handle being on the losing end of a New England sports season.

“New England fans are the most passionate sports fans I’ve ever seen,” said Kraft. “Red Sox Nation is amazing. They will follow the Sox ’til they die, but they don’t generally lob hate speech at them when they lose. Same goes for Celtics and Bruins fans – they’re passionate, but they’re not vile. Football fans are disgusting human beings.”

The team, which is one of the most valuable in the game, is worth an astounding $172 million. Kraft says he will sell them for a “maximum of $2 million.”

“Whatever gets me the hell away from these fans, I’ll do it,” said Kraft. “I am done being a part of this league if New England fans are going to get like this every time there’s a loss. Plus, I just can’t stand Tom Brady.”

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