New York Becomes First State to Legalize Heroin

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Justin Birch

NEW YORK, New York –

The state of New York made history this week, following on the heels of the wave of marijuana legalizations across the country. Recreational use of heroin will become fully legal in the state by the end of this year.

The decision was met with controversy, but “no more or less than the original decision to legalize marijuana,” Governor Andrew Cuomo stated. The state is still figuring out some guidelines and ground rules for suppliers, such as purity levels, permits, and health code requirements.

One of the major points in making this decision came from the number of dealers and users of the drug who repeatedly end up in New York’s correctional facilities.

“By legalizing, monitoring, and taxing heroin, we will not only cut down on inmates and care costs, but also open up a whole new job market,” Cuomo explained. “It’s a good situation all around, especially for taxpayers.”

A program is already in its early stages to rehabilitate and compensate imprisoned heroin dealers to return to society and act as the leading distributors, hoping to speed up this process while simultaneously reintroducing inmates to society.

Some of the decision’s most outspoken opponents, however, have been current dealers.

“Making it legal is a terrible idea,” a dealer, who chooses to remain anonymous, told us. “We don’t want it regulated. We make good money how it is now, but regular guys like me won’t be able to keep up with all the government regulations. This is gonna put me out of a job!”

Nonetheless, experts estimate this act will drop the state’s debt by as much as 50% in the first year. This may translate into tax cuts, more public projects, better road maintenance, and possibly even government rehabilitation programs for more dangerous drugs like cigarettes.

Governor Cuomo did not comment on whether or not he is a user himself.

Edward Norton Overdoses On Heroin While Researching A Film Role

Posted on February 10, 2015 by Abe Abrams

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Famous Hollywood actor Edward Norton was hospitalized this morning after reportedly overdosing on heroin. Norton claims he is researching a role in an upcoming film in which he plays an heroin addict.

“When I take on a role, I take it all the way,” said Norton. “For Fight Club I learned to fight; I even went to bars and picked fights with guys just to get experience. For American History X, I bulked up and joined a skinhead group all in the name of research. Now that I’m going to play an heroin addict, it should come as no surprise to people that I started using heroin, only for research of course. I didn’t mean to overdose, but I guess thats part of the learning curve of being an addict. I’ve got to say, heroin is really, really good. I guess that’s how I ended up using too much, in the name of research. I want to thank all my fans for their well wishes and I’ll be alright once I get out of the hospital, so I can continue to research my role some more.”

“I have no idea what he is talking about,” said Norton’s agent, Saul Ruben. ”If there was a movie deal I would know about it. I certainly didn’t get him the deal. I find it a little odd that he’s researching something that no one has heard of. I’ll tell you though – he’s as method as they come. Seriously. For Death To Smoochy, he used to really wear his purple suit around, months at a time, and would only talk to children. He also beat the shit out of Robin Williams on a regular basis, just to keep them hating each other. He’s an extreme actor.”

“His career was in the toilet until Birdman came out last year, and now he’s on the fast track to win an Oscar. I was hoping he was making a comeback,” said movie critic Carmine Classi. ”Maybe he’s on to something, though. Next time my wife catches me cheating, I’ll tell her I’m researching infidelity.”

Man Arrested At Airport With 30 Pounds of Heroin In His Anus

Posted on July 31, 2014 by JP

SPRINGFIELD, Illinois –

A resident of Springfield, Illinois was arrested Wednesday morning after police caught the man attempting to smuggle drugs on to an airplane. The arrest took place at Abraham Lincoln Capital Airport, and employees there are reportedly in shock over the events.

The gentleman under custody is Christopher Nowkuvski, and he is being charged with drug possession, trafficking, and a several misdemeanor charges. The arresting officer claims he has never seen anything like this before, and said that he found it ‘hilarious’ that the culprit thought he could squeeze his way by security.

According to police reports, Nowkuvski had almost 30 pounds of heroin inserted in his anus, in what police are saying was a failed attempt to get it on the plane bound for Canada. Unfortunately for Nowkuvski, he didn’t make it very far through security before being stopped and questioned.

“He came into the airport sweating and limping, as if he was dying. We knew something was up from the get-go,” said Joe Goldsmith, a security guard for the airport. “I asked him if he needed medical help, and he nervously laughed, claiming he was fine and just needed to get on the plane. He began to walk towards his gate, and from behind I noticed little balloons begin to fall from the leg of his pants.”

Once he was in custody, Nowkuvski claimed he had no idea how the drugs got into his anus. Officers at the scene gave him a full cavity search, which took nearly 3 full hours. The final bag was lodged so far inside him, that it was almost reaching his intestines.

“It was insane, it wouldn’t stop coming out. After 10 bags we were in awe to how he even got it up there, then once we began to get into the hundreds all bets were off,” said Goldsmith. “It’s definitely one for the record books. If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I surely never would have believed it.”

If convicted, Nowkuvski could face up to 30 years in prison for trafficking.