WASHINGTON, D.C. –
A group of professional teachers and scientists recently visited the White House to give a regulated IQ test to our nation’s president, Donald Trump. Most of the group, who were made up of both liberals and conservatives, said they expected that he would favor towards the “low end” of normal, but were startled to find the true results.
“As it turns out, President Trump is actually far, far below the spectrum, and is technically and legally retarded,” said group head, Dr. James Monroe. “I personally expected he would be average, perhaps slightly lower, as it’s obvious by the way he speaks that he’s a bit dim, but these findings were exceedingly lower than we imagined.”
The average IQ of a “regular” person is approximately 90-110, with “genius level” being reached at approximately 140. Donald Trump average a 61.
“Legally, Trump is mentally retarded,” said Dr. Monroe. “I can’t even imagine how we didn’t know this sooner, but it’s true. Although there can be variations on multiple taking of these standardized tests, it would be exceedingly rare for anyone to increase their score by more than 30 or 40 points on a re-take. Trump is retarded – big ol’ retard, indeed.”
The highest presidential IQ was John Adams, whose IQ was estimated to be approximately 170, a “super genius” level.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
After Donald Trump was elected President, a group of researchers at the Pentagon set into motion a study unlike any other – they wanted to find out the average IQ of a group that would elect such an unqualified person into office.
Working with over 10,000 confirmed Trump voters and 10,000 confirmed non-Trump voters, researchers gave standardized intelligence quotient tests to each group. There was no time limit to complete the test, and it was given twice over a week-long period.
“The results of the testing, while not at all surprising, prove that Trump voters are drastically behind liberals and non-Trump voters on an intellectual basis,” said Dr. Carl Brewner, who headed the study. “The test was 200 questions, and each completed test gave us an average IQ score based on answers. On average, a Trump voter would score in the 30th percentile, or have an average intelligence level of about 71, far below the 90 to 110 that is considered ‘normal.’ A non-Trump voter would score an average of approximately 96.”
The research team claims that their test is ‘fairly conclusive,’ and they feel that even if they tested every single one of the millions of Trump voters, they’d come up with similar results.
“It was quite obvious to everyone that anyone who would vote for Donald Trump must be pretty stupid,” said Brewner. “Just look at the stupid things they say and do in your timeline on Facebook every single day. Now, though, we don’t even have to rely on just physical evidence of their stupidity via comments and posts and memes – we have the actual scientific data to back up how dumb they really are.”
LOS ANGELES, California –
Researchers at the prestigious Children’s Institute of America recently completed a 20 year study on the effects of children who color on themselves with Crayola markers, and the study proves conclusively that those children grow up to have extremely high IQs.
“We followed 2,000 children for the last 20 years, and of those 2,000 case studies, half of them were allowed to color on themselves using markers, while the other half were not,” explained Dr. Richard Kimball. “What we found was that the 1000 kids who were able to let their creativity flow by drawing on themselves, a significant portion of them grew up to be extremely smart, some of them tipping past genius levels.”
Dr. Kimball says that 978 of the children who were allowed to Crayloa their own faces consistently had IQs in the genius level, where as all 1000 of the non-colorers had normal, average IQs, or below in adulthood.
“This study proves conclusively why you should allow your children to be creative, and do whatever they’d like. If they want to color themselves blue, why, go out and get them some markers,” said Dr. Kimball. “Down the road you’ll be glad you did.”
DUNEDIN, New Zealand –
What if you could tell how smart your baby would be while still in the womb? Doctors in New Zealand have begun administering prenatal tests that not only screen for chromosomal disorders like Downs Syndrome, but they can give expecting parents an idea how intelligent their baby is likely to be.
Louis Barnett, lead scientist behind the new test stresses the test is important so parents are aware their child has the predilection to be stupid as early as possible. “There’s always hope. It’s important to understand there are many factors that contribute to a person’s intellectual potential, and genes are only one. A person’s intelligence is affected by nurture, in the womb and throughout childhood. Even if the genetics aren’t the best, the right environment can maximize a child’s potential.
Our goal is ultimately to advance the technology so parents can tell as early as two months.”
When asked whether they were concerned this type of testing would lead to more parents selecting to abort less than perfect embryos, Barnett replied that he is pro-choice. “If a woman decides to abort the dummy before it’s too late, that should be her choice. Ethically, doctors would not sway patients one way or the other.”
Teams of pro-choice advocates in the US hope this technology will be helpful in developing tests to detect Republicans in the womb.