Starbucks Gives In To Criticism, Releases Jesus Christ Cups

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SEATTLE, Washington – 

Starbucks has curiously been under a slew of controversy in recent weeks after releasing holiday-themed cups with no actual theme; the company simply opted to do a solid red cup through the holiday season.

“Honestly, we don’t get what everyone is so mad about,” said Starbucks CEO Jim Starbuck. “I mean, we never had Christmas-themed cups, really. We had snowflakes. We had ornaments. It’s not like we ever put the Christ into Christmas with our cup images, so how the hell these ignorant Christians think we’re taking it out now, I’ll never know.”

Despite the company’s stand on how ignorant most of their customers seem to be, they did decide to release more Jesus-centric cups for the holidays.

“Regardless of the fact that people care what the hell the cup that their shitty, burnt coffee comes in, we have decided that the customer is always right, even when they’re wrong,” said Starbuck. “That’s why we’re putting out these Jesus-y cups, depicting Christ on the cross, a holy-looking Jesus, and Jesus as he appeared in the film The Passion of the Christ – all bloody and beaten. That one is my personal favorite.”

The cups will hit stores immediately, according to Starbucks.

“Maybe now everyone will shut the fuck up and start worrying about something that matters,” said Starbuck.

Nicolas Cage To Play Role Of Jesus In ‘Passion of the Christ’ Remake

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HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Newmarket Films and 20th Century Fox, the distributors behind the religious blockbuster film The Passion of the Christ, which was written and directed by Mel Gibson, announced this morning that they would be remaking the film with Nicholas Cage set to take the place of original lead Jim Caviezel.

“We are very excited to get started on the remake of Passion,” said Newmarket CEO Joe Goldsmith. “The original film made a name for our company, and the movie went on to be the highest-grossing R-rated film of all time, while also telling the sado-masochistic story of Jesus Christ. We hope that we can capture that lightning in a bottle for the second time, this time with Nicolas Cage.”

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Academy Award winner Cage, who as of late has been known for his fantastic films including Ghost Rider, Drive Angry, and Left Behind was cast based almost solely on his work on the latter film.

“We chose Nic because of his work in the religious film Left Behind, in which he was fantastic,” said Goldsmith. “We didn’t even ask him to audition, we just asked him how he felt about growing out his hair and beard. Turns out, he can’t grow a very good beard, so we’ll figure something out, be he was definitely on board in playing our Lord and Savior.”

Cage could not be reached for comment about the role. Reps for the actor say he is “very much” looking forward to the beatings he’s going to have to take for the role, and hopes that people will see it as penance for some of his later films.

Are You A Direct Relative Of Jesus Christ?

Are You A Direct Relative Of Jesus Christ

PROVO, Utah –

University of Christian Science math professor, Adam Gold, claims everyone is. His team has supposedly discovered an algorithm that not only proves everyone is related to Jesus, within 8 degrees of separation, but also shows which ethnic groups are more closely related.

Professor Gold says it’s all very complicated. “The layman just isn’t going to be able to fathom how this all works, so as they say, just have faith. We have factored in genetic data from around the world, including recovered DNA the Vatican paid to collect from the Shroud and other artifacts in their vault. It proves that everyone is related to Jesus. We’ve found Jews to be within one degree of relation, with anglo-saxon Europeans coming in with two to three degrees of separation on average.

Pastor Brice, of Onward Christian Soldiers Non-Denominational Church says this information may solve the crisis in the Middle East, once in for all. “Muslims and other Arab types are brothers! Once they know they are related to Jesus, chances are they will come convert once and for all.”

Radical, Ted Bundman feels this degree of separation from Christ justifies racial prejudice. “It makes the less-related groups, like Muslims and Asians harder to save. Blacks are middle of the road so there might be some hope. There’s no point in even bothering with Muslims and Asians. They’re too far removed from Christ.  We got to focus on saving our own kind, especially here in America.

Kentucky Middle Schools Forcing Students To Take Class On Satanic Bible

FRANKFORT, Kentucky – Kentucky Middle Schools To Force Satanic Bible Studies Be Taught To Students

The Kentucky Department of Education has approved, and even made it mandatory, that all state-run middle schools in the Commonwealth teach a one-semester class to all eighth grade student about the collections, essays, and rituals in the collective work of Anton LaVey’s infamous Satanic Bible.

Department spokesperson David Hastings made the announcement early this morning, citing the board of directors recent decision to allow various religious teachings in schools. According to their new policies, students are free to be able to study from a myriad of religions, even while attending schools that are part of the public sector. Normally, schools prefer to keep religion out of the classroom.

Hastings sent out an email to every teacher and parent in the state school system, saying that in this modern age, humanity needs to forget all that has been preached to them and start from the basics.

“People have the wrong idea immediately when The Satanic Bible is mentioned, almost all of whom have failed to read a single sentence of LaVey’s masterpiece. Some of these God-fearing folk have never even read the Christian bible, and how can you make religious and moral decisions for yourself if you haven’t studied the text?”

“For years the great teachers of our fine state have scratched our collective heads trying to solve the puzzle as to why we are so much further behind than most other states,” said Mark Ryder, a member of the state’s Department of Education. “The answer is simple – we have been programmed as followers instead of truth seekers. We are not saying there is a wrong or right, we are saying take all the information, piece it together and then decide how you feel as an individual.”

To help calm the concerned citizens, the state will also be offering free adult education classes on the course to help prepare parents for the inevitable questions that their children will have about Satan.

“I can’t believe it took this long!” said Iroquois Middle School principal Van Avery. “You can’t just pray at night and not work to survive; you have to do all the work. That’s what the Satanic bible will teach the children. It is wrong for the Christians to teach that all you have to do is pray to fix everything. I prayed once that I’d win the lottery, yet I can’t even win on a $5 scratch off. It is all lies. Seek the truth, don’t be a follower.”

The first students to participate in the state-wide course will be the eighth grade class of the school year 2016-2017.

 

 

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