Harvey Weinstein Put Into Witness Protection After Reportedly Ratting on Sex Offenders, Pedophiles to FBI


LOS ANGELES, California – 

Former Hollywood producer and mogul Harvey Weinstein was recently fired from his position as CEO of The Weinstein Company after several woman accused of him of sexual assault, with more coming forward,  documenting decades of abuse. After he was also kicked out of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, Weinstein reportedly approached the FBI with a deal to list big Hollywood names of others who he knew for certain to be sex offenders or pedophiles.

“Mr. Weinstein has given us well over 500 names, and many of them are quite shocking,” said FBI director Martin Roberts. “When we eventually move from investigation to arrests, many people will be extremely shocked and surprised at the people we take in. These are the creme de la creme of Hollywood elite, many of them are huge A-list stars.”

There has long been talk of a secret ring of sex offenders and pedophilia that was rampant in Hollywood, but Harvey Weinstein’s downfall was just “the tip of the iceberg” according to Roberts.

“We have since worked out a deal with Weinstein, the details of which are not up for discussion at this time,” said Roberts. “He has, though, been  moved in to witness protection, as many of the people he named had far-reaching power, and we are uncertain of his safety at this time.”

Convicted Pedophile and Former Subway Pitchman Jared Fogle Endorses Donald Trump


LITTLETON, Colorado – 

Donald Trump picked up an endorsement today from former Subway pitchman and convicted pedophile Jared Fogle that the presidential candidate might not have wanted.

Fogle is currently serving a 15-year sentence in the Federal Correctional Institution, Englewood near Littleton, Colorado. Sources say Fogle, a self-described political junkie, has been following the presidential campaign closely from prison and rooting for his dear friend, Donald Trump, to win the Republican nomination.

In 1998, Fogle reached out to Trump as a way to gain money to help start a photography business called Happy Kids Photography. They had allegedly met on an online photography forum and “hit it off.”

After Jared was discovered by Subway, Trump often gave the popular pitchman free advice when it came to negotiating contracts with Subway, and even unofficially helped architect the Jared Foundation.

Trump occasionally vacationed with Fogle, travel records logging trips to places such as Thailand and Cambodia. They also enjoyed spending time together, Trump often spending the weekend at Fogle’s home where the men reportedly “enjoyed talking” and “playing checkers.”

Fogle sent this Trump endorsement letter through his lawyers for public release:

Dear American voters:

Donald Trump is one of the most honorable men I’ve ever known. After I was arrested, he provided much needed emotional support and prayer. He prayed for me to find comfort in my time of emotional chaos, and I believe his prayers worked and got me through the legal hell I was in.

I know he continues to pray that I will not be hurt in prison and I think Don is part of why I’m doing so well. I’m even thriving!

A true man of God is what this country needs, one who isn’t afraid to Make This Country Great Again, and that’s what Donald Trump will do. He cares for us all, even those that society has deemed unworthy. That is what a good man does, and that is what a good president should do.

Please cast your vote for Donald Trump.

With my deepest sincerity,

Jared Fogle

The Trump campaign has not responded to the endorsement.

Convicted Pedophile Wins Millions In State Lottery

BATAVIA, Illinois – Convicted Pedophile Wins Millions In State Lottery

Department store employee Edgar Phipps led a quiet life and followed the same routine for years. All that changed last week, though, when he won a state lottery drawing that netted him almost $5 million.

When lottery officials verified Phipps’ identity, though, they say that a disturbing fact came up on his record. According to the Illinois State Lottery Commission, Phipps was a listed on the Illinois state sex offender registry.

“Oh, yeah. I forgot about that,” said Phipps. “Whoops.”

Phipps says he forgot about the multiple incidents of aggravated sexual contact with minors, technically classifying him as a pedophile. “Oh, yeah those,” said Phipps. “Well, that was me getting screwed by the system. They all said they were legal age, but they lied, so the state blamed me and then I had to go to jail for a few years or whatever, then they made me register when I got out. Thank God I don’t have any neighbors nearby or any schools around. I didn’t have to go door-to-door like those freaks do, introducing themselves to neighbors saying ‘Hi, I’m Ed and I’m on a sex pervert list,’ or anything embarrassing like that.”

Phipps claims he received treatment and counseling for a number of years after “the sex things,” and is fully cured. He received the check from the state lottery commission after it was learned that he had received counseling and did not re-offend.

“So anyway,” recalled Phipps, “I get home with the giant check and that’s when the trouble started. I had tons of emails and phone calls from people I didn’t know who must have Googled my name and found out about the sex things. Talk about invasion of privacy!”

According to Phipps, the emails were just the beginning. Phipps claims several of his windows were shattered, and his roof was damaged. “I guess the branch coming down on the roof wasn’t related to the sex thing, but the rocks through the window were a different story. But then again, we did have a really bad hail storm that day, and there was that F4 tornado…now that I think back on it.”

Empire News asked Phipps the number one question asked of every lottery winner: What do you plan on doing with the money?

“Well,” he answered, “last Christmas I had to cut some friends off my gift list, so I’m going to do a belated Christmas for everyone I missed, dressed up as Santa, of course!” On his list: a tricycle, a Little Suzy Easy Cookie Cake Oven, some stuffed animals, and several popular action figures which he plans on giving his friends.

“I’m the luckiest guy alive,” said Phipps. “I feel like I’m on top of the world!”

Phipps says he plans on quitting his department store job and will devote more time to his favorite hobby, taxidermy.

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