Male Prisoners Undergoing Sex Change to Escape to Female Sanctuary

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Male Prisoners Undergoing Sex Change to Escape to Female SanctuaryWASHINGTON, D.C. – 

When espionage convict Bradley Manning became Chelsea Manning, it made headlines in all the major news outlets. Of course, the cause of the biggest leak of confidential documents transitioning into a woman was a human interest story, especially because it seemed so rare. But it turns out that many male prisoners have now latched onto the process as an excuse to escape the dangerous confines of their own prisons into the supposedly friendlier halls of a female penitentiary.

“There is a growing trend of male criminals undergoing hormone treatment and sex change operations, and anonymous surveys show that they’re doing it as a way out,” said expert on prisoner psychology, Jason Brent. “It totally undermines those who are really women inside, and sincerely want to be true to themselves. And it shows that our prison system is not doing its duty by showing [female prison drama] Orange is the New Black.

Male prisoners appear to believe that female prisons are all about sleepovers and pillow fights.

“I’m totally over the knife fights. I want something more soft and friendly,” John Huewy, a convicted murderer, told reporters. “I’m so excited to go there, make new besties, and play dress up.”

Prison warders say that they are relieved that the less aggressive prisoners are leaving the ‘real men’ to fight like they’re supposed to.

“The pushovers are such a drag,” said one. “We like to see fights to the death, not someone lie down and take what is given with no struggle at all.”

But female wardens and prisoners are not happy about the flux.

“We don’t want those men fucking with the system,” Hillary Hardy of Massachusetts State Penitentiary said. “It’s unfair to all of us, prisoners and staff. Plus, our chicks are badass. They’s gonna beat those male sissy motherfuckers into shit.”

MTV To Produce ‘Hunger Games’ Style Reality Show, ‘Con Stars’

DETROIT, Michigan – MTV-Set-To-Produce-Con-Stars-Detroit-Hunger-Games-Style-Reality-Show

In a bold move by the Federal Prison System to combat swelling overpopulations of their institutions, a real-life Hunger Games reality show has been launched by MTV in partnership with the Federal Justice Bureau. The show features violent criminals and convicts squaring off in an enclosed area of a major city, in a full-blown fight to the death. The winner of the contest is awarded freedom and a second chance at life. The show has been titled Con Stars.

Season 1 began pre-production last week in Detroit, scouting locations and filming exteriors. Future seasons will film in other urban and violent cities across the country. Based on buzz alone, season 2 has already secured a green light, and executives are rumored to be eying Camden, New Jersey as their next death ring.

The show is hoping to be a ratings smash, and execs are looking to at least secure the number 2 slot, just behind the Walking Dead. TV analysts suggest that the show will set a new precedent for Reality TV – while mind-numbing stupidity used to suffice, with shows such as Jersey Shore and Honey Boo-Boo running the ratings, Con Stars hopes to knock them out of the park.

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Before all the glitz and glamor of TV could begin, the show’s concept had to pass through the U.S. Congress first, the first show ever to be scrutinized by the government before airing. Members of Congress had to give the show the go-ahead, and the decision also had to have a Presidential seal of approval on it as well, as President Obama would be the one to sign the winner’s pardon, setting him free.

Curiously, there was little pushback from either the republicans or democrats on the actual content of the show, and both sides spent more time arguing whether The Hunger Games was a ripoff of Battle Royale or The Running Man. Ron Paul, who is generally ignored by the other members of congress, was the voice of reason throughout the hearing, stating that The Hunger Games was clearly a ripoff of Death Race 2000, the David Carradine film which pre-dates both Battle Royale and The Running Man.

“If you watch both of the Hunger Games films you’ll notice elements stolen from the Running Man and Battle Royale scattered throughout. Death Race 2000 came even before all those, and if you really break it down they’re all reminiscent of Gladiator fights in a modern setting. What makes Hunger Games plagiarism as opposed to tribute is the author denied knowledge of all those prior films and books. What does she think, we’re stupid?”

Congress agreed to let Viacom, parent company of MTV, produce the show with actual prisoners. All of the men selected will be at the discretion of the board of prisons in each state. As of this writing, the 30 contestants were being selected from institutions around the country, and filming is set to begin in August. The show will premiere on MTV and MTV2 in the channels’ winter lineup.

Is A “Running Man” TV Show In Our Future?

Empire-News-Is-A-Running-Man-TV-Show-In-Our-Future-Op-EdThe World Cup is underway in one of the most notorious countries in the world for sports based murders, Brazil.  The opening ceremonies were beautiful until they were scarred by riots and tear gas.  People are upset about how much Brazil is paying out to put on the World Cup, and they showed their anger with riots and car tipping.  With that minor hiccup over, the World Cup was well underway.  The first game went off without a hitch and everything was beautiful – and then came the second game.  Tensions were high with the buzzers and spinning-horn things sounding in unison.  Like a firework, the game was off with a bang.

The sportsmanship didn’t last long, however.  Call after call, the referees kept making shaky calls about sides and unsportsmanlike conduct.  The last straw soon came.  The whistle blew, the red card flew, and the stands emptied.  With a quickness the crowds rushed the field only to be met by SWAT teams with batons and shields.  The shields and batons were of little use against the 100,000+ people storming towards them like a giant tidal wave.  Swiftly the crowd swept up the referee.  Just as quickly as they grabbed him, they started cutting. Just as quickly as they started cutting, it was over.  Pieces of referee were flying through the crowd.

In that brief few minutes of horror, no single televised event, scripted or otherwise has ever achieved a ratings spike like that.  The media quickly grabbed that clip and went running mad with it.  Their ratings soon spiked as well.  Sports networks did the same, and again the same happened.  This is when Dough Herzog, President of Viacom Media Networks had an Epiphany.

“I figured with all the hype these clips are getting, and all the hype MMA, WWE, and all the war footage gets, this was the next logical step.”  Herzog said.  “If we can show these atrocities on television, why couldn’t we show it with willing participants?”  He then threw his idea into the water to see if it would get any nibbles.  “SpikeTV, MTV, and FX all wanted a piece of this pie. We decided to settle on SpikeTV – a real man’s-man kind of network. That’s who this new show is going to appeal to the most.”

The show Herzog was talking about was a “Running Man” like game show, where contestants (death row inmates, or inmates that have committed serious crimes) have to work together to solve a series of puzzles, all while being stalked by “The Hunters.”

“The Hunters were my idea.” Herzog gloatingly stated.  “I love the idea of an ominous enemy that is looming around every corner.”  Herzog himself formed a committee to find these “Hunters”.  He acquired a mercenary group from deep in the heart of South Africa who used to hunt poachers, and kill smugglers of diamonds.  “These people are ruthless.  You show them the beheading footage and they just eat breakfast and make jokes about other things.  Totally jaded.”

Unfortunately for the inmates involved, if they win they do not get a full pardon, as portrayed in the Running Man and other similar film rip-offs.  They do however get to live the rest of their days out in lavish luxury in a Camp Cupcake style penitentiary, still maximum security.  “Still, that lifestyle change is worth almost dying, and potentially killing for, after living in the squalor that is the American Prison System.” Herzog said.  “Everyone we have surveyed except a select few believe that this entertainment would be amazing, and totally worth DVR-ing.”

The as-yet-untitled show will air on SpikeTV sometime next year, assuming that Viacom can work out legal details with the prison system and inmates. So far, there does not seem to be any pushback from Merl Johnson, the Chairman of the Federal Board of Prisons, who would be working with Viacom and producers to choose inmates for the show.

It seems that we are on the dawn of a new day, and the new day will be televised murder – with prizes!

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