ATLANTA, Georgia –
United Airlines has agreed to give unlimited free flights to anyone who says they were upset by their treatment of the doctor who was violently thrown around by police after refusing to de-board one of their overbooked flights. A video, showing the events, has gone viral, and caused a media firestorm that has already cost the company millions in stock and customer protests.
“We understand that people are mad about our policies, and so we want to make it up to them,” said Mario Leland, a spokesman for United. “We already gave a ton of money and free flights to the people who were on the plane who had to witness the events first-hand, but we know there are people who have seen the videos, too, and they should be compensated.”
United says that they plan to give free flights to anyone who has suffered PTSD from the videos of the events, and will even offer to upgrade to first-class anyone who would like it.
“United understands that people have no idea how airlines work, and why we have the policies we do,” said Leland. “We also understand that, for some strange reason, people think we’re to blame, when it was that asshole doctor who wouldn’t respect the terms of his ticket purchase, or the orders of the pilot or police. Frankly, he got what he deserved. But I digress. We know people don’t understand any of this, because the public is stupid and they’re sheep. So we’re doing what we need to do to save face.”
Flights can begin being booked immediately, and according to United, they will “pay back” anyone who purchases a flight over the next five years.