Family Claims ‘Fracking’ Responsible For Their Son’s Improved Report Card

Family Claims 'Fracking' Responsible For Their Son's Improved Report CardTRIADELPHIA, West Virginia – 

A Triadelphia, West Virginia family is claiming that recent changes to the local water supply brought on by the hydraulic fracturing, or ‘fracking’ as it is commonly known in the media, have been anything but harmful to their 10-year-old son Dale. Beverly and Dale Cochran Sr. say that since they began noticing a different taste to their tap water, they have seen a dramatic improvement in test scores for their son Dale Jr.  Dale Sr. believes this coincides with the beginning of the Marcellus Shale gas exploration projects in the area.

“People are all up in arms about fracking, but I am all for it. Not only has it brought jobs to the area allowing my tackle and bait store to become quite successful, but Jr. has done so much better in school since the fracking,” said Dale Sr. “And it’s not just us that are seeing differences.  A handful of other parents we know have made similar claims about their kids.”

“Dale Jr. went from a weak, C+ average student, to a very impressive B- student,” said school principal Monica Spooner. “I hear he even got an A on an English test last week. That sort of thing just doesn’t happen often here at Westdale High School. We quite honestly thought the kid was a dullard, but he showed everyone on test day, that’s for sure. Fracking may have saved this kid’s future.”

Others are skeptical, including Dr. Catherine Thomasson of the Physicians for Social Responsibility.  “There is absolutely no proof that any aspect of hydraulic fracturing could result in increased performance from students in the area. It is far more likely that now that the families in the area have seen improved financial situations, they are able to afford amenities that improve the mental well-being of their children, resulting in slight improvements in their scholastic achievements.”

Locals that are on the fence about fracking in the area also don’t seem convinced that the Cocharan’s theory holds water. Local Triadelphia physicians refused comment on the Cochran’s claims.

“Many of these folks around here ain’t going to talk to you,” said BJ Steiner, a barber in nearby Moundsville.  “They don’t want those guys to come knocking on their door after they speak up.  Personally, I think that Dale just wants those workers to buy his custom-made flies to take up in the hills when they go trout fishing in their time off, like they tend to do.”

Empire News reached out to representatives at Range Resources Appalachia LLC, one of the primary companies involved in the industry in the West Virgina panhandle area, and they told us “While we appreciate the support the Cochrans are giving us, there are still no conclusive tests that prove our process has any effect on the local waterways or water supply,” stated Range Resources Public Relations Manager Ronald Figgins.

“They can say what they want, I know that when my child started showering more regularly and drinking a glass full of tap water every day instead of Mountain Dew like all his other classmates drink, He got smarter. Period,” Dale Sr. said. “And if anyone doesn’t believe me, they can come talk to me in person at my shop, Cochran’s Camp and Fish Gear, located on Halifax St. I’ll be there Monday through Saturday from 9am til’ close.”

YouTube Comedy Show in Hot Water Over ‘Baby in Car’ Sketch

TEMPE, Arizona –  YouTube Comedy Show in Hot Water Over 'Baby in Car' Sketch

In light of the recent headlines regarding children dying in vehicles, the video sketch comedy troupe that goes by “Windproof Comedy” has recently had their YouTube account suspended over a sketch comedy bit they did about a baby being ‘cooked in a soup pot” within a vehicle that was filmed on a 100 degree day in Tempe, Arizona.

In the sketch, a man and woman would occasionally use a remote to roll down the back window just enough to thrust various vegetables into the soup pot where a realistic baby doll sat submerged in steaming water.  Passersby grew concerned and the police were called shortly after a man jogging stopped and attempted to punch the window out of the sketch groups 2007 Subaru Forester.  No charges were filed by the police that responded to the scene.

Glenda Rollins, a local woman in the area shopping told authorities, “This baby really looked alive and struggling, I was yelling and screaming at the passing jogger and he stopped and busted up his whole wrist and fist trying to smash the glass. It must have been bulletproof.”

Trevor Blake of Windproof Comedy says he was shocked at the reaction to the sketch filming.  “The baby totally didn’t look real.  People are ridiculous.” he told us.  “When the dude started trying to punch the window out of my Forester I will be honest, I started to freak out a little bit.  I just had my window busted out in front of my apartment and it was like $200 to get fixed.”

The group eventually posted a version of the sketch that included the man attempting to bust his window out.  YouTube pulled the clip when the weak fisted jogger, Dale Bernhardt, reported it for not having his permission to be filmed.  The video spent 16 hours online before it was finally pulled and was viewed nearly 98,000 times by folks in 26 countries according to Blake. “We were really just trying to shed more light on the epidemic of children and animals being left in hot cars that is going on right now.” said Trevor.  “We had done the same thing not long ago but instead used a stuffed cat and no one seemed to give a s—.”

When we spoke to the Tempe Police Department Officer that responded to the call he said, “They weren’t breaking any ‘laws’ per se, but that was a pretty dumb, tasteless thing to do.  If I had been walking by I probably would have shot the window out.”

Trevor Blake began filming sketches in the summer of 2012 with his friends Matt Becker and Courtney Johnson. Their biggest other YouTube success being a 3 minute sketch about being tasered for trying to high-five Senator Gabrielle Giffords.

Tennessee Man Creates First Marijuana Infused Moonshine

CHATTANOOGA, Tennessee –  Tennessee Man Creates First Marijuana Infused Moonshine

A Tennessee man, who claims to be the illegitimate son of moonshine legend Popcorn Sutton, has supposedly taken his fathers recipe to new ‘highs.’  Tim Coffey, 42, of Chattanooga says he has the original moonshine recipe that Sutton created passed down to him by his mother, Tina Davis. Davis, who lives in Brentwood, claims it was given to her when she had a summer affair with Marvin Sutton in East Tennessee in the 1972.  Her claim is that she was then on vacation with her family in Gatlinburg when she met Sutton.

“We smoked a doobie that one of Popcorn’s friends had given him and he gave me a sip of some of his shine,” Davis claims she never pursued Sutton for paternity because she didn’t want to hurt his family’s way of life.

Last year Coffey got in a legal dispute with J&M Concepts LLC, the company partnered with Hank Williams Jr., over the legal rights to claim his moonshine was Sutton’s recipe.  Coffey decided to get around this by making it a tribute brand and infusing it with marijuana.

“I wanted this blend to bring back fond memories for my mama,” Coffey said.  Coffey has had trouble bringing the product to market, as it is still not legal to possess or distribute marijuana in the state of Tennessee.  He says efforts to bring the moonshine to more ‘weed friendly’ states has also been met with great opposition.  “In Colorado, they have their booze laws all messed up.  They won’t let me add pot to the shine because they say it violates their state laws.”

Currently Coffey is looking for legal representation and investors and is considering a Kickstarter project to bring his product to market.  “I have been ‘giving’ some away at various rock concerts I have been going to.  I recently went to see a concert by the band Phish and ‘donated’ nearly 1000 free samples to folks waiting in the parking lot before the show.  They loved it!” Coffee said.  The moonshine has yet to find a name, but Coffey seems to be leaning towards calling it ‘Tina’s Tincture,’ after his mother and the technical name when the THC and cannabinoids have been leached out into alcohol.

Tennessee officials have warned Coffey that they are tracking him, and that his illegal ‘taste-tests’ will be something they look for. Tim claims he is doing nothing wrong.  “This is pain-killer for regular folks that don’t want to get all messed up on pills.  You can drink some of my shine and you might get to feelin’ real good, but you are definitely going to be too chill to rob a pharmacy for pills, ya know?”

Attempts to reach J&M Concepts for comment were not returned.  Sutton’s brand of ‘white whiskey,’ marketed by J&M Concepts, recently landed them in court defending themselves against Jack Daniels for the similarities in the two companies labeling and bottling.  “I wouldn’t do something stupid like that with mine,” Tim Coffey stated. “My brand is in a small jar so you could hide it easily, and the liquid itself is green. I’m also considering putting a big pot leaf on the front label. No reason to be subtle, as far as I’m concerned.”

Secret Emails Reveal Paula Deen’s Racist Comments Were Publicity Stunt To Get Out Of Food Network Contract

SAVANNAH, Georgia – Secret Emails Reveal Paula Deen's Racist Comments Were Publicity Stunt To Get Out Of Food Network Contract

Just over a year after being fired from the Food Network over admissions to using racial slurs in the past, emails between Paula Deen and her brother Bubba Deen have uncovered some very interesting facts. Directly following accusations from one of her former restaurant managers, Lisa T. Jackson, that she was the victim of discrimination, sexual and physical harassment, Deen exchanged emails with her brother saying “This whole thing is so silly, I should just tell them I used to say the N-word a lot, that will get the liberal media putting the word out all over the place about me. No press is bad press, right?”

In the e-mails, Deen discusses some new twists on her butter-based recipes with her brother as well as laments about vacation homes she hopes to one day purchase. Bubba advises his sister to consider the overall cost of losing her Food Network Contract in the event that the story gets out of control. “You know how the media twists the things you say to get ratings,” he told her during the exchange.

No more mention of the idea appears in the e-mail correspondence.  Deen later made the admission to using the ‘n-word’ in a videotaped deposition which eventually led to her legal team settling out of court for an undisclosed amount with the plaintiff.

The E-mails were discovered by a computer programmer that had purchased the laptop second-hand online from one of Deen’s assistants.  When attempting to reformat the computer, the programmer noticed a cache of email files and quickly discovered the e-mails were from Deen.  He reportedly sold the emails to the Associated Press, who verified their authenticity.

WSAV in Savannah, GA, was reportedly one of the news outlets that picked up the story, but quickly rescinded after Deen’s Restaurant threatened to pull a large advertising contract they held with the company.

The ‘publicity stunt’ may have cost Deen nearly $10 million dollars, but freed her from her contract with The Food Network, where despite reportedly being paid $50,000 per episode in 2008, Deen was ‘miserable.’

Deen and Paula Deen Ventures CEO Steven Nanula wasted no time in developing and preparing to launch an entirely new Paul Deen Network online.  Paula Deen Ventures has received a nearly $100 million dollar investment from Jahm Najafi, CEO of  Najafi Cos. and owner of the Book of the Month Club and BMG Music Service.

In the end, it seems that Deen’s stunt worked, paying out over 10-fold what she’d have made during the same time period on the Food Network.

Jesse Ventura Talks Presidential Run in 2016

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Jesse Ventura Talks Presidential Run in 2016

Former professional wrestling superstar and Governor of Minnesota Jesse Ventura (James George Janos) recently tweeted about his supporters calling for him to run for President of the United States in 2016.

“I hear you guys and I am overwhelmed with the support. Maybe it’s time to take Washington down a peg or two,” said the tweet from @GovJVentura on July 26th.

This message to his fans was retweeted 900 times and favorited 1600 times.  Supporters like @LoftusRaider replied to Jesse showing their support.

“That’s right Jesse, you could really ‘bodyslam’ those goons in Washington with your policies!” said Raider.

Twitter user @jtfalcon804 had similiar thoughts in his reply. “If more people in America were like @GovJVentura, not afraid to say what needs to be said, we’d be living in a much better country”.

A group of fans started to encourage the former Governor to rise to the call of running for president, praising him for his leadership style. The web site states “If ‘We The People’ want real change, we are going to have to do something radical, like nominate Jesse Ventura for President in 2016.’

Despite having a massive amount of support from wrestling, political, and media fans, there are some people who think he is too brash and far out to make a good President.

In late July, Ventura won a lawsuit against slain Navy SEAL sniper Chris Kyle’s widow, Taya Kyle. The suit stated that before Kyle’s death, he had fabricated a story about punching the former Governor for comments he made when the two happened to be in the same bar on an evening in 2006.  Ventura claimed that the entire altercation never happened, and walked away from court with an undisclosed settlement from the now deceased sniper’s estate.

In the wake of this controversy, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin spoke out against Ventura publicly on Twitter. Ventura tweeted out a series of retalitatory responses related to Palin’s comments, which he later deleted but did not issue an apologize for.

“Do you think I care at all about what @SarahPalinUSA has to say? Why are people still paying any attention to her?” said Ventura via Twitter. “[She] is the Honey Boo-Boo of politicians.”

Palin’s Twitter followers began attacking Ventura, eventually leading to him delete the tweets, but making no comment about them. Ventura had recently launched his show “Off the Grid” on the Ora TV Network, which he was in the middle of promoting on his twitter account, likely prompting him to delete the tweets about Palin.

Jesse Ventura has been outspoken about his distaste for the rich running the country and the greed in Washington being the primary element bringing down our country.  He continues to flirt with the idea of running for President, but political experts have been doubtful.

“This isn’t the movie Idiocracy,” stated John Greer, Professor of Public Policy and Education at Vanderbilt University. “The only thing Jesse is going to put a choke hold on is legitimate third-party candidates vying for their parties’ nomination. Hulk Hogan would have a better chance of winning the election.”

When directly asked if he planned on running for president, Ventura was positive about the idea.

“You don’t have to be some fat cat in Washington with Pfizer in your pocket to be the President. However, I don’t know if I am ready to take on the burden of trying to fix a broken system. I am going to announce my final decision on the season finale to “Off the Grid,” so everyone will have to just tune in.”


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